i'm sorry

i havent posted here in a very long time. i dont want to make excuses but i think my followers need a little bit of an explanation.

i've hit rock bottom. i throw up after everyi get such a thrill these days out of making myself throw up. i would sit and eat and eat and eat so much food just so i can make myself sick. it makes me feel better. no one really cares about me either anymore theyre all sick and tired of me. and i just want to feel wanted. so i have sex with random people.i know they only want to use me for sex but for that moment when we fuck i know they want me. but after i feel dirty. i think thats when i started cutting too. tho i dont really know how or when it started. all i kno is one minute i wasn't cutting then the next i realised i'd been cutting for weeks.

i'm screaming out for help. no one notices. i just want saved.

i've recently grown closer to a girl in my year and i found out yesterday that she's been diagnosed with ana. . i feel pathetic next to her, all my friends claim to be worried about me. and she's been to doctors appointment after doctors appointment and noone seems to bat an eyelid at her.. i'm fat for Godsake, she's emaciated!

It's been ages since I last posted. ,. Really sorry! My computers broke and I hate using my iPod. . This is gonna be sort and sweet since its almost 4am and I can't sleep. .

Firstly, my eating has been awful. Binge after bungee purge after purge. . Hoping the arrival of lent will allow me to have a fresh start.

Secondly, my car came. . I can't quite get the clutch, so I keep stallin. Ugh.

Thirdly, my mum has started seeing a councillor and obviously she's
Mentioned me. Her councillor thinks i might need to go and she wants to see me. .

That's all I can really think of. . I must go catch up on all of your blogs!

My mums boyfriends daughter was took into hospital. . She has a growth in her brain. . She's 12. . Why is life so cruel?

bleh

decided against joining weightwatchers..

i got an offer from aberdeen. . its where i reaaaaally want to go. . BBB i needa work like fuck.
wake up, exercise, school, home, exercise, study, exercise, bed.

sounds like a good routine, yessss?

hmmm

me and my cousin are both a similar weight and height. . and she asked me if i wanted to join weightwatchers with her. . she thinks it wud be brilliant to loose weight together and motivate each other. . i think it wud make me slightly more competitive. . i think it's juss what i need. . .

last weekend i lost 3lbs. . and throughout the week i've been so stressed and i've binged constantly.. too scared to step on the scales. . being stressed shouldn't be an excuse though. . i'm a fat greedy bitch. . but i'm not going to let it bring me down. . i'm going to start again!


i came home from school on Wednesday afternoon and my mum told me that in four weeks time i'll be the owner of a brand new renault clio. . the first thing that came into my mind:

i'll be able to drive to the beach to run it daily. . 
i'll be able to drive to the gym to use it daily. . 
i'll be able to go out at meal times and say i'm going to get food somewhere else.


CANT WAIT!