i'm sorry

i havent posted here in a very long time. i dont want to make excuses but i think my followers need a little bit of an explanation.

i've hit rock bottom. i throw up after everyi get such a thrill these days out of making myself throw up. i would sit and eat and eat and eat so much food just so i can make myself sick. it makes me feel better. no one really cares about me either anymore theyre all sick and tired of me. and i just want to feel wanted. so i have sex with random people.i know they only want to use me for sex but for that moment when we fuck i know they want me. but after i feel dirty. i think thats when i started cutting too. tho i dont really know how or when it started. all i kno is one minute i wasn't cutting then the next i realised i'd been cutting for weeks.

i'm screaming out for help. no one notices. i just want saved.

i've recently grown closer to a girl in my year and i found out yesterday that she's been diagnosed with ana. . i feel pathetic next to her, all my friends claim to be worried about me. and she's been to doctors appointment after doctors appointment and noone seems to bat an eyelid at her.. i'm fat for Godsake, she's emaciated!

It's been ages since I last posted. ,. Really sorry! My computers broke and I hate using my iPod. . This is gonna be sort and sweet since its almost 4am and I can't sleep. .

Firstly, my eating has been awful. Binge after bungee purge after purge. . Hoping the arrival of lent will allow me to have a fresh start.

Secondly, my car came. . I can't quite get the clutch, so I keep stallin. Ugh.

Thirdly, my mum has started seeing a councillor and obviously she's
Mentioned me. Her councillor thinks i might need to go and she wants to see me. .

That's all I can really think of. . I must go catch up on all of your blogs!

My mums boyfriends daughter was took into hospital. . She has a growth in her brain. . She's 12. . Why is life so cruel?

bleh

decided against joining weightwatchers..

i got an offer from aberdeen. . its where i reaaaaally want to go. . BBB i needa work like fuck.
wake up, exercise, school, home, exercise, study, exercise, bed.

sounds like a good routine, yessss?

hmmm

me and my cousin are both a similar weight and height. . and she asked me if i wanted to join weightwatchers with her. . she thinks it wud be brilliant to loose weight together and motivate each other. . i think it wud make me slightly more competitive. . i think it's juss what i need. . .

last weekend i lost 3lbs. . and throughout the week i've been so stressed and i've binged constantly.. too scared to step on the scales. . being stressed shouldn't be an excuse though. . i'm a fat greedy bitch. . but i'm not going to let it bring me down. . i'm going to start again!


i came home from school on Wednesday afternoon and my mum told me that in four weeks time i'll be the owner of a brand new renault clio. . the first thing that came into my mind:

i'll be able to drive to the beach to run it daily. . 
i'll be able to drive to the gym to use it daily. . 
i'll be able to go out at meal times and say i'm going to get food somewhere else.


CANT WAIT!

YAY!

lost 3lbs this weekend :D sososososo happy! i'd been stuck on a plateau for agesss! yus! in a state of euphoria right now! ahhh!

binge then purge. .
for some reason i feel fucking fantastic. .

i dont know why i did it. . i juss felt like i shud. .

uhoh

when i grow up and have children, if they ever act disrespectful to anyone, i'll kick their fuck in.

manners dont cost anything.

tumblr!

http://ana-erin-94.tumblr.com/

follow me, my lovelies!
if any of you have a tumblr, link me :)

happy twenty twelve!

and so. . a new year has begun. . it's now 2012, the supposed year of the appocalypse. . i dont believe the world will end as such. . i think that it will be more a change of heart, of mind in each of the inhabitants on earth. .  well, that's juss my opinion.

i missed the countdown, not because i had passed out drunk or anything, but because i was looking after a friend of mine. . she was absolutely drunk and she kept telling me to go on and leave her, but i didnt want to leave her on her own. . in the end i walked her from the party we were at so she could get picked up. . then yesterday she left me a wall post on facebook telling me how much she appreciated me looking after her. . it made me feel so good knowing that someone appreciated me for something so small! sounds stupid, huh?

but with the arrival of 2012, i gained a new attitude on life. . at the end on june last year, me and my best friend b had a heart to heart, in which she promised she'd never forget about me. and i acc took her word for it. . i've been there for her through everything recently. . but then my friend N, who b isn't even speaking to, told me that b had text her saying happy new year. . i didn't get that text. . she forgot to text me saying happy new year. . she forgot on christmas day to text me saying happy christmas. . she's forgotten all about me.  i know it doesn't seem like much but i really thought she would have been a decent friend and not juss drop me now that her and j are biffles again. . ha! i was so wrong. . on both christmas day and nye, i text her first, saying happy christmas and happy new year! the only reply? you too. . it hurt though that i was only worth two words to her considering last year she sat up on my birthday juss so she could sing happy birthday down the phone to me. . but yea this is where my new attitude came from. . i'll always be there for my friends always  but if you can't make an effort with me, i'm gonna stop making an effort with you. end of.

happy new year to all of you ana girls. . i hope this year is filled with positivity for all of you!
xx

merry christmas!

appologies for the lack of posts. . my laptop broke, my ipod broke, my blackberry broke. .so i've been living with very little communication!
in my last post i wrote about how everything was beginning to look up for me. . kind of ironic because days later, everything got turned upside down. . in my town, three people died, in the most tragic of circumstances. . so close to christmas too! all my friends have been fighting and i dont want anything to do with it so i've practicaly  become a recluse. . i was on a night out one night and i was talking to my uncle and i said that i was so pleased for my dad & step mum that they were having a baby and my uncle said 'so am i, especially since they lost the last one'. . well that was a bit of a shock considering i didn't even know. .

but yes, christmas has been and gone and it's almost 2012. . i've been waiting for this year for sosososo long! i get to leave northern ireland to go to uni! :D i think with the arrival of 2012 i'm going to start recording on here the amount i eat because i have slipped up a little recently, tho i have lost 4 lbs since christmas day :P. . best christmas present ever! (besides my uggs)

stay slim my lovelies. . i promise to try write on here more often!

dream a little dream for me

it seems that i'm barely posting anymore. i haven't got my to say. .

i got an offer for huddersfield university, and leeds trinity :) so happy! 

i passed my driving test!

it seems like everything's going my way at the moment. . it feels like i'm genuinely beginning to feel happiness. . but i have this tiny piece of doubt which makes me think 'how long will this happiness last?' but for the moment, i'm juss trying to enjoy it :P 

i promise to try and catch up with all your blogs my lovelies! 

keep strong! ♥

rest in peace

my best friends granda was diagnosed with cancer 6 weeks ago. last saturday night we were out in a local club and my friend got sent for. her granda took a turn for the worst. we were all hangin on to the last shreds of hope. on thursday morning he peacefully passed away.

i'm gutted for her. her granda was one of the most lovliest men ever. he was a true gentleman. it's true. life's short. you don't know what you're going to face each day. we should really live for the moment.

rest in peace liam 

gone, but never forgetten ♥

Stressed and a mess

Appologies for not posting as often as I should, I have good reasons!

I'm so stressed. . I've had shocking headaches recently and felt so shit about myself I've barely had any social interaction with people. . A boy I'm textin offered me £10 to suck his dick. . ugh don't think so!

Headaches. . They resulted in several trips to the doctor, last of which was today. . They put me on beta blockers. . Not for heart conditions or that but for my headaches and stress. . Just hate that I'm on them :(

i'm so sick and tired of the way that the world works

i should be thinking my life is going so shit at the moment. 

• one of my best friends called me fat to my face infront of all the rest of our friends. i'm sorry if i'm not seven stone with the ability to eat a 7 take aways a week without gaining any weight. i'm sorry if the fact you think my minimal amount of eating only emphasises how fat i really am. i'm sorry i'm not good enough.
• i've been having real bad headaches for the past two/three weeks and all i want to do is sleep aswell as zoning out and going all weird when my head isn't sore. my mum watches everything i eat to make sure it's substantial. she makes sure i'm not excericising in excess. i've been to the doctors three times in the past fortnight and i've to go again on tuesday. it's really starting to worry me. :/
• due to above problem, i'm really behind on my school work. i have repeats in january, i have A2 in may. i have so much notes to catch up on because i keep missing class or when i'm in class i keep zoning out and feeling all funny.
• i had my driving test today. i fucked it up. reverse parking is a bitch. derek go fuck yourself you shitty driving practical examiner you smell like headlice lotion.

but for some weird reason, i dont give a fuck. i'm juss counting the days to i leave this shit hole and can be on my own.

Friend? HA!

It's shit when you find out what your friends think about you. . It's even shitter when your drunk because the words replay over and over again. . Ugh. . Sometimes I wish everyone had no friends. . Then you wydnt have anyone to let yoh down or upset you. .

All you ana girls, your my life!'

read all about it ♥

i wanna sing, i wanna shout, i wanna scream till the words dry out. so put it in all of the papers, i'm not afraid. they can read all about it, read all about it.

i've juss got a thinspo tumblr:
http://erinn-proana.tumblr.com/

i have a regular one. . if you want to follow me on my regular one, link me to yours and i'll follow you :)

she's better known for the thinngs that she does on the mattress

my school is full of so many sluts and tramps it's unreal. . but does it make me a bad person that i wish i was one of them?

i want to sleep around. i want lots of guys to tell me stuff like im pretty or fit, just so they can get in my pants. i want to be able to join in in conversations that my friends have about sex. i want to be the girl in the club that makes out with loads of guys in one night. i want to give guys the blow jobs i offer when i'm drunk. i want lots of guys to text me, telling me things i want to hear. i want to play lots of guys, pretend i'm interested when all i want is a fuck.

the only thing is. . i'm scared i'm becoming the person i've always detested. . why do i want to be a skank?