well there's a million other girls who do it just like you

saturday night, N & C came to mine for  a few drinks. we got drunk and N decided she wantedd to go to her boyfriends 'cause he was having a house party. i thought fair enough. but C started to get worried and she got annoyed too. . i thought this was strange . . so we went to A's boyfriends house and at about 1 am., they went upstairs to have a 'heart to heart'. pretty soon everyone left but N wouldn't come downstairs because they were doing stuff. . according to C this happens all the time. i got really annoyed because who goes upstairs and messes around with their boyfriend when two of her best friendds is sitting downstairs? C passed out and i was sitting drunk and fucked off. So evenntually i woke C up and told her i was leaving and she was coming with me. so we left. N wasn't too happy and ended up staying at her boyfriends house. . So me and C ended up walking home at 3.30 am in the rain along a busy motor way drunk. and when i got in home J phoned me asking where i was (I had texted her telling her i was walking home) and i said juss got in home. she shouted at me through the phone for not phoning her to get us. i didn't want to wake her so i was being nice. next morning N new i was pissed off. . she couldn't even come into my house to wait on C getting changed. . she's really annoying me. . and it turns out everything that i told her about what was going on between me and my mum (pretty much everything wrote up here) she told her boyfriend! he has no need to know! i told her that in confidence! ugh can't stand people like that. she was meant to be one of my best friends -_-

♥

if i should die before i wake, the least that i could ever say, i made mistakes but held on to my faith


i'm doing a first aid course tomoro. everyone says they don't kno why i'm doin it because if they're ever in bother then they don't want me to help them because i'm a bit ditsy. truth is, if i had of known cpr when my granny was dying, i could have saved her.

i walk this empty street on the boulevard of broken dreams

ok. i lied. nothings right between me and my mum. i feel like i owe you all i longer post than i left you before. so it's been a while and i'm going to introduce myself to you all again...

as you all know i suffer from some sort of eating disorder. i'm not quite ana. i'm not quite mia. i go days at a time eating very little, which is followed by days at a time eating constantly. i feel guilty just thinking about food. food will be my destruction. my mother decides to force it upon herself to make sure i eat. i haven't eaten breakfast in years. she makes me a lunch for school everyday (rather, she makes me prepare it). then if i dont eat it, she makes me feel guilty. . if i do eat it, this subconscious thought makes me feel guilty. i just wish she wouldn't buy me food. then she makes me cook the dinner and then watches me eat it. . i know that cooking a dinner is a normal thing to do, but for me it feels like a form of abuse. she calls me fat everyday. . 'that fat bastard' is her favourite phrase. she doesn't fail to remind me of how much of a failure i am, after getting CCD in my AS exams. . all my friends say i didn't fail, but if my mum says i failed then i failed. the past few weeks, my confidence has fallen so much to the point that i feel i can't even walk to the bus stop without messing that up. people have told me that they think my mother has some underlaying problems (as did Kim, in a comment on one of my posts). and it's true she does. my granny died four years ago as a result of being mugged in menorca on a family holiday. i was there with my mum and brother. it shook my world. made everything collapse. made me feel like i'd never be happy again. my best friend at the time said i didn't loose my granny, i'd actually lost my mum, cause that's what my granny was like to me. a mum. she was my world and i'd give anything to give her a hug right now. for a while after my granny's death everything seemed to reeturn to normal. i finally realised that i could be happy again, tho things wouldn't ever be the same again, i could adjust them to fit my life the way it had changed to. four years later my mum decides that she never had a chance to grieve. that she's angry. which i completely understand. the only thing is that she's taking her anger out on me. i know that i'll never be the person that my mum wants me to be. but i'm going to prove her wrong. i'm not going to be stuck this fat ugly failure for the rest of my life. i'm going to make something of my self. i understand that inorder to do this i'll have to work. . but at the moment all i'm allowed to do is school work. i'm not allowedd out. i'm not allowed my phone. i'm not allowed my ipod or my laptop. all i'm permitted to do is school work. it's got to the stage that i know this is unhealthy and i need to be allowed to leave my house. i'm going crazy. i really am. well not that i've been normal before. .

ABC tomorow. . i will do this. . i've let enough people down in my life, i promise that i'll not let you's down either!

guess who's back!

i'm back my lovelies! my last few posts have been pretty morbid. i admit that. someone said on a comment on my last blog that my mum must have underlayin issues, yes she does actually! but we've managed to sort of sort things out.

i passed my theory test! finally! no amount of words can describe the euphoria that i felt when i seen i had passed!

don't really have much to say to be honest. .

plan is to post everyday in october! at least once a day.
ABC starts tomorow

-xe♥

how do you get up from an all time low?

I've hit rock bottom. All I do is sleep. But I always wake up at 4 am crying. I'm miserable. My mum hates me. She tells me every day. She calls me a failure. Tells me I'm fat. Tells me I'm stupid. That I was the biggest mistake of her life. And I still want to try so hard to make her happy. I don't know what to do. My friends don't even like me anymore. They still talk to me. Prolly feel sorry for me. But I can tell the don't like me. There's something telling me that. It's not a voice as such, more like a feeling.

I'd love it if things between me and my mum cud be fixed. But they've been like this for too long. I would love to be able to smile a proper, genuine smile for at least 1 minute.

The bestvfling in the world

I went to bed AT 11 last nightclub . Woke up at two with the sharpest hunger pains ever. . It's now 6:18 am. . I need to get up for school in half an hour. . Despite being incredibly tired, I'm addicted to this feeling

Absolutely scunnered!

I'm actually so scunered. . If you don't understand what scunnered means I'm fed up. . Feeling hopeless and like I've not one purpose anymore.

I still don't have my laptop. . I'm not sure if I explained but my mum took my phone, laptop and iPod off me. . Bur I'm sneaky and took my iPod back. .

I can't wait for me to get my laptop back. . I miss all you lovelies!

-xe