Sunday, 6 November 2011
Saturday, 5 November 2011
happy 100th post!
ironic because i'm not acc happy atm.
i can't remember the last time i was happy. . andd juss when i think things are starting to get back on track BAM something happens. . monday morning until this evening i was at my dads, like 2hrs away from where i live, i was so glad to be gettin a few days a way with no drama. . i came home and now B and S aren't speaking to me because N invited me to her hosue and didn't mention it to them. . i don't understand what i did wrong? like B and N have issues with each other so i can understand why N never said to ehr. . i'm to fed up with immature bullshit like this! i've got more important things to worry about!
secondly, me and my dad fell out a few months ago. . now we're speaking again. . he announced to me on wednesday that his girlfriend is 13 weeks pregnant. . at a time when i feel like everyone is replacing me, this really wasn't something i wanted to hear. . dont get me wrong. . i'm sososososo happy for them! my dad's girlfriend (would it be appropriate to call her my step mum? prolly!) told her mum and dad on wednesday and they were so happy they started crying! but the only thing i cud think was i hope my dad doesnt treat this baby the way he treat me and my brother. . i hope he doesnt treat my step mum the way he treated my mum. . then i started thinking and something started telling me the only reason they were having a baby was to replace me. . and i've been getting sososo paranoid now. . i kno this is stupid . . but being replaced and forgotten is my biggest fear and thats what it feels like everyone's doing atm!
thirdly, everytime i get sad i think about my granny. . its so hard not too. . i dont even kno why! i really wish i cud only associate my granny with happy things but i keep thinking of her when im sad to. . well on the way home my dad decided to stop in at his parents house. . but i had to phone my granny to tell her we'd be there shortly. . and she juss went 'ok bye' and hung up. . that was the only words she spoke to me! i was so annoyed. . and i got thinking about the difference between my two granny's. . and for a split second. . i began to think that God took the wrong granny that. . that's such a horrible thought and i'm acc so ashamed for thinkng it!
i was also talking to my old best friend, D. . and she said, you've always been the strongest person i've known. . i'm so proud to call you my friend. .
i didn't have the heart to tell her i'm crumbling
i can't remember the last time i was happy. . andd juss when i think things are starting to get back on track BAM something happens. . monday morning until this evening i was at my dads, like 2hrs away from where i live, i was so glad to be gettin a few days a way with no drama. . i came home and now B and S aren't speaking to me because N invited me to her hosue and didn't mention it to them. . i don't understand what i did wrong? like B and N have issues with each other so i can understand why N never said to ehr. . i'm to fed up with immature bullshit like this! i've got more important things to worry about!
secondly, me and my dad fell out a few months ago. . now we're speaking again. . he announced to me on wednesday that his girlfriend is 13 weeks pregnant. . at a time when i feel like everyone is replacing me, this really wasn't something i wanted to hear. . dont get me wrong. . i'm sososososo happy for them! my dad's girlfriend (would it be appropriate to call her my step mum? prolly!) told her mum and dad on wednesday and they were so happy they started crying! but the only thing i cud think was i hope my dad doesnt treat this baby the way he treat me and my brother. . i hope he doesnt treat my step mum the way he treated my mum. . then i started thinking and something started telling me the only reason they were having a baby was to replace me. . and i've been getting sososo paranoid now. . i kno this is stupid . . but being replaced and forgotten is my biggest fear and thats what it feels like everyone's doing atm!
thirdly, everytime i get sad i think about my granny. . its so hard not too. . i dont even kno why! i really wish i cud only associate my granny with happy things but i keep thinking of her when im sad to. . well on the way home my dad decided to stop in at his parents house. . but i had to phone my granny to tell her we'd be there shortly. . and she juss went 'ok bye' and hung up. . that was the only words she spoke to me! i was so annoyed. . and i got thinking about the difference between my two granny's. . and for a split second. . i began to think that God took the wrong granny that. . that's such a horrible thought and i'm acc so ashamed for thinkng it!
i was also talking to my old best friend, D. . and she said, you've always been the strongest person i've known. . i'm so proud to call you my friend. .
i didn't have the heart to tell her i'm crumbling
Tuesday, 1 November 2011
you think that you kno me
it's funny how the people who know you least acctualy kno more about you than the people who kno you most.
i realised this on saturday night. N had a big crazy house party and me and her had a big drunken heart to heart with lots of tears. her brothers girlfriend was there for half of it. . but after the first five minutes of her sitting there she turned to me, wiped my tears and said 'erin, you are so broken. but one day, you wont be.' it really hit home the fact that no one really knos me truely. which made me feel sososososo lonely.
ugh
i realised this on saturday night. N had a big crazy house party and me and her had a big drunken heart to heart with lots of tears. her brothers girlfriend was there for half of it. . but after the first five minutes of her sitting there she turned to me, wiped my tears and said 'erin, you are so broken. but one day, you wont be.' it really hit home the fact that no one really knos me truely. which made me feel sososososo lonely.
ugh
Friday, 28 October 2011
bucket list
today in school we had an enrichment day and we were told to write a bucket list. . so i thought i'd share mine with yous!
- pass A Levels
- get into uni
- graduate from uni & get a job
- visit manhattan
- go skydiving
- have my first kiss (pretty embarresing ha!)
- loose virginity
- find some decent friends
- find a decent boyfriend
- three day drinking binge
- swim with dolphins
- get another tattoo
- travel in a hot air balloon
- get married
- have a family
- read the bible in its entirety
- go on a cruise
- donate blood
- go scuba diving
- go to glastonbury
- go to oxegen
- drive a tractor
- pass my car driving test
- Visit St. Paul's cathedral, Rome
- visit the vatican
- return to aix-en-provence
- reach my ugw
- eat a meal without being scared
- genuinely make someone happy
- use a cheesy chat up line
it may not seem that ambitious! but it's my hopes and dreams :P
Sunday, 23 October 2011
appreciation for my followers.
i've just hit 40 followers. :)
i've always thought my life pretty boring and unimportant. i'm the girl that has always wanted to blend into the background but somehow i can't manage that. i'm the sort of person who my friends think is this over confident, loud bubbly girl who is happy with the way she is. people that have been in my class for 6 years and wudn't be that close with me describe me as having 'fake confidence'. i pretend that i'm confident when really my insecurities are suffocating me.
this made me realise that most of the time, it's strangers who know the most about you. who can figure you out. i don't mean to sound rude, but in my eyes, my followers are strangers: i've never met any of you, and i only know so much about yous. but yous know stuff about me that i wouldn't that my friends don't know.
i'm not really sure what the purpose of this blog is. . just a thank you really. . i feel like my blog needs some changes made to it, so if you've any ideas of what you would like to see in it, comment please :)
-xe♥
i've always thought my life pretty boring and unimportant. i'm the girl that has always wanted to blend into the background but somehow i can't manage that. i'm the sort of person who my friends think is this over confident, loud bubbly girl who is happy with the way she is. people that have been in my class for 6 years and wudn't be that close with me describe me as having 'fake confidence'. i pretend that i'm confident when really my insecurities are suffocating me.
this made me realise that most of the time, it's strangers who know the most about you. who can figure you out. i don't mean to sound rude, but in my eyes, my followers are strangers: i've never met any of you, and i only know so much about yous. but yous know stuff about me that i wouldn't that my friends don't know.
i'm not really sure what the purpose of this blog is. . just a thank you really. . i feel like my blog needs some changes made to it, so if you've any ideas of what you would like to see in it, comment please :)
-xe♥
Monday, 17 October 2011
♥
Life changes every minute of every day. You lose friends & you gain friends. You realize your friend wasn't ever really your friend & that person you used to hate can make a really good friend. You look for love. You find love & lose love. You realize all along that you've been loved. You laugh, you cry. You laugh so hard that you cry. You do this , you do that , you really wish you hadn't done that. You then learn from that , & are glad that you did. You have your ups & downs. You see good movies , you see bad movies. You wonder if your life is just one big movie. You look at others & wish you were them. You then realize who they are & are glad that your you. You love life , you HATE life. In the end , you just find yourself happy to be living life , no matter what's thrown at you.
you're gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul
my laptop broke. i'm raging. a year and a halfs worth of thinspo gone. four years worth of pictures, videos, memories. gone. 5000 + songs. gone. plus i'm fatter than ever before.
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