i'm sorry

i havent posted here in a very long time. i dont want to make excuses but i think my followers need a little bit of an explanation.

i've hit rock bottom. i throw up after everyi get such a thrill these days out of making myself throw up. i would sit and eat and eat and eat so much food just so i can make myself sick. it makes me feel better. no one really cares about me either anymore theyre all sick and tired of me. and i just want to feel wanted. so i have sex with random people.i know they only want to use me for sex but for that moment when we fuck i know they want me. but after i feel dirty. i think thats when i started cutting too. tho i dont really know how or when it started. all i kno is one minute i wasn't cutting then the next i realised i'd been cutting for weeks.

i'm screaming out for help. no one notices. i just want saved.

i've recently grown closer to a girl in my year and i found out yesterday that she's been diagnosed with ana. . i feel pathetic next to her, all my friends claim to be worried about me. and she's been to doctors appointment after doctors appointment and noone seems to bat an eyelid at her.. i'm fat for Godsake, she's emaciated!

It's been ages since I last posted. ,. Really sorry! My computers broke and I hate using my iPod. . This is gonna be sort and sweet since its almost 4am and I can't sleep. .

Firstly, my eating has been awful. Binge after bungee purge after purge. . Hoping the arrival of lent will allow me to have a fresh start.

Secondly, my car came. . I can't quite get the clutch, so I keep stallin. Ugh.

Thirdly, my mum has started seeing a councillor and obviously she's
Mentioned me. Her councillor thinks i might need to go and she wants to see me. .

That's all I can really think of. . I must go catch up on all of your blogs!

My mums boyfriends daughter was took into hospital. . She has a growth in her brain. . She's 12. . Why is life so cruel?

bleh

decided against joining weightwatchers..

i got an offer from aberdeen. . its where i reaaaaally want to go. . BBB i needa work like fuck.
wake up, exercise, school, home, exercise, study, exercise, bed.

sounds like a good routine, yessss?

hmmm

me and my cousin are both a similar weight and height. . and she asked me if i wanted to join weightwatchers with her. . she thinks it wud be brilliant to loose weight together and motivate each other. . i think it wud make me slightly more competitive. . i think it's juss what i need. . .

last weekend i lost 3lbs. . and throughout the week i've been so stressed and i've binged constantly.. too scared to step on the scales. . being stressed shouldn't be an excuse though. . i'm a fat greedy bitch. . but i'm not going to let it bring me down. . i'm going to start again!


i came home from school on Wednesday afternoon and my mum told me that in four weeks time i'll be the owner of a brand new renault clio. . the first thing that came into my mind:

i'll be able to drive to the beach to run it daily. . 
i'll be able to drive to the gym to use it daily. . 
i'll be able to go out at meal times and say i'm going to get food somewhere else.


CANT WAIT!

YAY!

lost 3lbs this weekend :D sososososo happy! i'd been stuck on a plateau for agesss! yus! in a state of euphoria right now! ahhh!

binge then purge. .
for some reason i feel fucking fantastic. .

i dont know why i did it. . i juss felt like i shud. .

uhoh

when i grow up and have children, if they ever act disrespectful to anyone, i'll kick their fuck in.

manners dont cost anything.

tumblr!

http://ana-erin-94.tumblr.com/

follow me, my lovelies!
if any of you have a tumblr, link me :)

happy twenty twelve!

and so. . a new year has begun. . it's now 2012, the supposed year of the appocalypse. . i dont believe the world will end as such. . i think that it will be more a change of heart, of mind in each of the inhabitants on earth. .  well, that's juss my opinion.

i missed the countdown, not because i had passed out drunk or anything, but because i was looking after a friend of mine. . she was absolutely drunk and she kept telling me to go on and leave her, but i didnt want to leave her on her own. . in the end i walked her from the party we were at so she could get picked up. . then yesterday she left me a wall post on facebook telling me how much she appreciated me looking after her. . it made me feel so good knowing that someone appreciated me for something so small! sounds stupid, huh?

but with the arrival of 2012, i gained a new attitude on life. . at the end on june last year, me and my best friend b had a heart to heart, in which she promised she'd never forget about me. and i acc took her word for it. . i've been there for her through everything recently. . but then my friend N, who b isn't even speaking to, told me that b had text her saying happy new year. . i didn't get that text. . she forgot to text me saying happy new year. . she forgot on christmas day to text me saying happy christmas. . she's forgotten all about me.  i know it doesn't seem like much but i really thought she would have been a decent friend and not juss drop me now that her and j are biffles again. . ha! i was so wrong. . on both christmas day and nye, i text her first, saying happy christmas and happy new year! the only reply? you too. . it hurt though that i was only worth two words to her considering last year she sat up on my birthday juss so she could sing happy birthday down the phone to me. . but yea this is where my new attitude came from. . i'll always be there for my friends always  but if you can't make an effort with me, i'm gonna stop making an effort with you. end of.

happy new year to all of you ana girls. . i hope this year is filled with positivity for all of you!
xx