Monday, 31 January 2011

on the first page of our story, the future seemed so bright.

girls are bitches. boys are arseholes. and there's nothing that hurts more than knowing your friends are shit talking you and accusing you of bitching when you didnt. but i'll come out on top. i always do. but im a drama magnet.

two girls, J & N, J was one of my best friends, started bitchin at me on friday night. they made me feel like shit and me me feel like i had actually done something wrong. i hadn't. they're reading in to things and exagurating everything and blowing everything out of proportion. i said 'you'll need me way before i'll need you.' truth is. i need  them.
fuck life
i have to go to hospital tomorrow. i have no idea what for. my mum won't tell me. argghh. i hate being in the unknown. and i hate that i can't comprehend things as well.

Thursday, 13 January 2011

there's no bigger bitches than kids

kids are bitches. it doesn't matter if the kid is 11 or 16. they're still a kid and they're still most certainley a bitch. i know this because today i heard about two different scenarios where kids were being bitches.

1. my brother is still in primary school, he's in his last year of primary school agedd 10. since he was 4 years old, he's been bullied. recently i saw a conversation one of the bullies, J, had with my brother, h, on facebook. it went like this:

h: stop it
j: do you know why you're so fat?
h: i'm not.
j: you are. you're the fattest person in our class.
h: but i'm the right weight for my height.
j: who told you that?
h: my mum and my sister.
j: they're lieing. you're actually obese. you need to loose weight. or else we won't be your friend.
h: stop it. please.
j: stop eating. you're a hippo.

it broke my heart. and every time i see my brother step on the scales or hear him talk about calories or how much weight he needs to loose, i have to force myself not to cry. when i was 10, i wasn't worrying about my weight. i was laughing and messing around with my friends. i know this  boy who bullies my brothers older sister. if he doesn't stop. i'll kick her fuck in. she's just as horrible as her brother.

2. a kid in my school took an overdoes on tuesday. he's stuck in our local psychiatric ward. he's waiting to be assesed. why's he there? he was bullied. now that he's tried to kill himself and is in hospital for his own safety, people are laughing at him. they're talking shit about him.

why do people find the need to laugh at other people and make their lives a missery. it fucks me off that some people can't let other people be happy.

ps. i think i may be bipolar.

happyhappyhappy :)

i'm in a good mood. this week really hasn't been my week, i've almost got into two fights with two different girls at shool. they're both stuck up bitches (they're not friends though) but they ave no reason to be so stuck up. it sickens me. alot. -_- i have no idea why i'm. but i like it. i like the feeling that i can be happy and not care what other people think about me.

in other news;
for my french alevel, i've to do a three/four minute presentation. my teacher gave me the top of eating disorders (ironic, right?). i can chose what ever i want to do as long as it's around that theme. so i'm writing a bit about what influences eating disorders, a bit about anorexia, bulimia and binge eating, a bit about pro ana/mia and i was going to leave it at that. but my teacher is insisting i insert a bit about a healthy diet -_- i was like gtf. but i have to inclufe it to make up my full time. so if any of you have any good pro ana quotes in french of pro ana/mia websites in french, i'd be really greatful :)

and also, if any of you have a blackberry, could you send me your pin? i'd love to bbm with some of you :)


Monday, 10 January 2011

fuucck it.

today's been one of those days. you know where all you do is sit and reflect on my life. i thought about everything from the good times to the bad times. the happy times to the sad times, the times i felt i had everyone around to me to the times when i felt alone. my life's been full of a bucketful of negative times and only a handful of positive times. it pisses me off when some people tell me to be more positive especially when they know my story. it feels like all my friends are pissed off with me. like every one i know is starting to get into a relationship and i'm the only one left single. like no matter what i do, there's always someone who can do it better. they say we're all on this earth for a purpose. i'm 16, almost 17, and i still haven't found my purpose.

i appologise for how heavy this blog is. i need to get my head together.

Coldplay - yellow

look at the stars, look how they shine for you and everything you do. yeah they were all yellow. i came along, i wrote a song for you, and all the things you do. and it was called yellow. so then I took my turn. oh all the things i've done. and it was all yellow. your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones. turn into something beautifu. do you know, you know i love you so. you know i love you so. i swam across, i jumped across for you. oh all the things you do. cause you were all yellow. i drew a line, i drew a line for you. oh what a thing to do. and it was all yellow. your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones. turn into something beautiful. do you know for you i bleed myself dry. for you i bleed myself dry. its true look how they shine for you. look how they shine for you. look how they shine for you. look how they shine for you. look how they shine for you. look how they shine. 
look at the stars, look how they shine for you


Sunday, 2 January 2011

happy 2011

i appologise. i haven't posted a proper blog in so long. since the last time i posted alot has happened. 

1. i managed to do a three day water fast. i'm proud of myself because it's the first time i've done a water fast that's lasted more than one day. on christmas day, i had a massive binge. i was so upset. but it is christmas after all and i managed to correct it by spending all day boxing day on the excersise bike that i got for christmas. 

2. i realised that i really like this guy. i wouldn't go as far as saying i love him because love's a strong word. he used to go to my school and he was two years above me. we used to talk all the time but we dont talk as much anymore but everytime i see he's online of facebook chat i pray that he'll talk to me and when i see his name pop up on msn i get butterflies and it feels like my hearts in my mouth. arghhhhhh..

3. the new year started. and i know it's so cliche to say 'new year new me' but i'm going to make a change this year. i've already started. new years day was spent cleaning out my wardrobe, getting rid of all my old clothes and donating them to oxfam and i replaced them with brand new clothes. i got my hair cut and i dyed it a ginger colour. i deleted everything off my itunes library and replaced my music with new stuff. i tidied my bedroom and moved it around. i really want things to be differennt this year.

on new years eve i went to bed with a smile on my face. i dont know why. i've a feeling 2011 will be a good year for me