Tuesday, 31 May 2011

because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me

wonderwall - oasis

this song is so relevant to me right now.. it's unreal. i need saved big time. i need saved from this world. i can't cope any more. it's killing me knowing i'll never be good enough for anyone, especially myself. i've been thinking... if i can accept myself then maybe other people will be able to also? it's along shot.. i know that's the way it should be but i know deep down that'll never happen. i'll always be living in a world full of self resentment and that kills me.

on other news . .i think i'll wright about him  in another blog post. it's too long to just post here!

Thursday, 26 May 2011

have you forgotten how you would make me feel

i haven't spoke to my dad in over three weeks. i'm not going to. i don't like him. i told him. he looked hurt. it made me smile knowing that i managed to make him hurt. afterall, he's hurt me so much over the past 17 years. it made me feel brilliant. 

i've been off on study leave. 22 days from now and it'll be summer. i cannnt wait. :D 36 days til i go on holiday. i'm excited, but not so much that i'll have to wear a swimsuit. :( so i'm hitting the gym.

just a short update, i'm boring atm. exams does this to me. . i need to get highest in my year in re. if i dont ill be really angry with myself. i am the best at re.i've been told that by everyone. it's the only thing i'm good at. so i need to prove it. .

just like i need to prove everyone wrong. i will be skinny. i will be smart. i will be beautiful. i will be perfect.

Saturday, 21 May 2011

new blog

i've decided to create a new blog. i'm still going to update this one, but it'll be about my life and my eating disorder, pretty much the same as it is now. my new blog is going to be more to do with calorie intake, weight loss, etc.

seduction, seduce ain't nobody who's as good as what i do, first one minute she loves you then she don't. she's been stolen from you. it's like a verbal seduction.

Eminem you little beauty ♥

Friday, 20 May 2011

just a thought

i'm not a hardcore bible basher. but Acts of the apostles really fascinates me. i'm doing it for half of my RE course.. this is by far one of the most fascinating quotes from it. well in my opinion...

“Jesus I know, and Paul I know about, but who are you?” Then the man who had the evil spirit jumped on them and overpowered them all. He gave them such a beating that they ran out of the house naked and bleeding.

it's paul's third missionary journey. when the seven sons on Sceva thought they were doing good by heping to banish evil spirits from people and helping cure illnesses.. they way i see it, it proves that you dont get anything out of trying to be nice. . 

Thursday, 19 May 2011

some day i'll be big enough so you can't hit me

yesterday, today and tomorrow, i'm doing work placement in my old primary school.

today, we went on a history walk with another primary school. one wee boy started talking to me. and it took everything i had to not cry...

'that man over there looks like my real daddy.'
'does he?'
'yea! well he looks nicer.'
'my real daddy used to hit me all the time. and at night, he locked me in my room. sometimes i peed myself. that made him angry.'
'urmm..' i didn't have a clue what to say.
'sometimes he hit my mummy too. i dont know why! my mummy is amazing!'
'oh.' fighting back tears.
'i'm sorry for upsetting you! you're nice though. i know you wont hit me.'

i came home and cried for three hours. i can't get how someone could do that to a 7 year old. and even though he'd experienced all of this, it didn't put a downer on his spirit. he was happy and loving life.

it's amazing what children could teach you.

Sunday, 15 May 2011

"Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that mother fucker's reflection." 

i've realised that everytime i have an arguement with one of my friends, i make some drastic changes in my life. when i fell out with SS, i rearranged the furniture in my room. when i fell out with CP, i threw out most of my clothes and bought new ones. and now that i've fallen out with J, i've dyed my hair. dark brown.

thinking this morning i realised i'm fed up being let down by everyone. whether it's family or friends. it annoys me so much its unreal! so i change a part of my life that i feel relates to them. like SS helped me decorate my room. CP was always the one i went clothes shopping with and J was the one who always called me ginger.

i'm weird. 

Saturday, 14 May 2011

et est-ce que tu a connaissance que tu me manques.

i'm finished for summer. :)
i only have to go in now for exams and revision classes. . but i'm not going to the classes.

i had my oral on thursday. it went so much better than i thought it would be. we had an external examinator and he told my french teacher 'erin, she's such a character. i've been examinating for thirty odd years. and never in all that time have i met someone like her.' i dont know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.. but i'm going to take it as a good thing. :)

it's made me so confident for my exams. bring it.

Thursday, 12 May 2011

is this what it feels like to really cry?

you wouldn't hate me if i was skinny.
you wouldn't hit me if i was skinny.
you wouldn't think i was stupid if i was skinny.

'you're nothing but a fat bastard.'
'how can one person be so fucking thick?'
one punch. two punches. three. four. a kick for luck

i just need you to love me.
is that too much to ask?

Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Dear head

dear head.
it fascinates me how this tiny little brain like yours can hold so much information. can hold the calorie content of so many different types of food. can hold information of acts of the apostles, of the foundations of the celtic church, of fluvial features, of globalisation, of two different languages fluently.

it fascinates me how you've allowed me to become adapted to the lifestyle which i have. for example i know i need help, but you've convinced me that it's perfect to be the way i am, instead of some obese food obsessed person!

it fascinates me how this mass of cells that you are can operate everysingle thing about me. from the movement of my toes to the things i'm going to say.

thank you head. for keeping me grounded. for telling me when it's wrong to love someone and for telling me when it's quite alright to do so.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

we like to sleep all day, and party all night

it feels like no one reads this any more. ugh. im having such a bad day. two days til the oral. :(

any suggestions about what you want to seee my in blog. i feel like i'm just complaining to much. .
so comment with any suggestions. :)

Monday, 2 May 2011

we just wanna make the world dance

well my lovelies. it's now a new month. four months down of 2011 and eight more to go. it made me wonder.. what have i accomplished? nothing.

so i thought, these next two months are crucial to me. i need to get as high as i can so that next year there isn't as much pressure on me. i need to get BBB in my Alevels, to get into the course i want to do. scary beans. so you might hear less and less from me until the 17th of June. i'll still post as often as i can when i remember but my life's so swamped!

wee exam timetable to remind myself;
12/05/11 - afternoon - french oral. FUCK
13/06/11 - morning - RE acts
14/06/11 - afternoon - physical geography
15/06/11 - morning - RE celtic church
17/06/11 - morning - human geography
17/06/11 - afternoon - french listening
17/06/11 - afternoon - french reading, writing, translation.

such a busy week :(