merry christmas!

appologies for the lack of posts. . my laptop broke, my ipod broke, my blackberry broke. .so i've been living with very little communication!
in my last post i wrote about how everything was beginning to look up for me. . kind of ironic because days later, everything got turned upside down. . in my town, three people died, in the most tragic of circumstances. . so close to christmas too! all my friends have been fighting and i dont want anything to do with it so i've practicaly  become a recluse. . i was on a night out one night and i was talking to my uncle and i said that i was so pleased for my dad & step mum that they were having a baby and my uncle said 'so am i, especially since they lost the last one'. . well that was a bit of a shock considering i didn't even know. .

but yes, christmas has been and gone and it's almost 2012. . i've been waiting for this year for sosososo long! i get to leave northern ireland to go to uni! :D i think with the arrival of 2012 i'm going to start recording on here the amount i eat because i have slipped up a little recently, tho i have lost 4 lbs since christmas day :P. . best christmas present ever! (besides my uggs)

stay slim my lovelies. . i promise to try write on here more often!

dream a little dream for me

it seems that i'm barely posting anymore. i haven't got my to say. .

i got an offer for huddersfield university, and leeds trinity :) so happy! 

i passed my driving test!

it seems like everything's going my way at the moment. . it feels like i'm genuinely beginning to feel happiness. . but i have this tiny piece of doubt which makes me think 'how long will this happiness last?' but for the moment, i'm juss trying to enjoy it :P 

i promise to try and catch up with all your blogs my lovelies! 

keep strong! ♥

rest in peace

my best friends granda was diagnosed with cancer 6 weeks ago. last saturday night we were out in a local club and my friend got sent for. her granda took a turn for the worst. we were all hangin on to the last shreds of hope. on thursday morning he peacefully passed away.

i'm gutted for her. her granda was one of the most lovliest men ever. he was a true gentleman. it's true. life's short. you don't know what you're going to face each day. we should really live for the moment.

rest in peace liam 

gone, but never forgetten ♥

Stressed and a mess

Appologies for not posting as often as I should, I have good reasons!

I'm so stressed. . I've had shocking headaches recently and felt so shit about myself I've barely had any social interaction with people. . A boy I'm textin offered me £10 to suck his dick. . ugh don't think so!

Headaches. . They resulted in several trips to the doctor, last of which was today. . They put me on beta blockers. . Not for heart conditions or that but for my headaches and stress. . Just hate that I'm on them :(

i'm so sick and tired of the way that the world works

i should be thinking my life is going so shit at the moment. 

• one of my best friends called me fat to my face infront of all the rest of our friends. i'm sorry if i'm not seven stone with the ability to eat a 7 take aways a week without gaining any weight. i'm sorry if the fact you think my minimal amount of eating only emphasises how fat i really am. i'm sorry i'm not good enough.
• i've been having real bad headaches for the past two/three weeks and all i want to do is sleep aswell as zoning out and going all weird when my head isn't sore. my mum watches everything i eat to make sure it's substantial. she makes sure i'm not excericising in excess. i've been to the doctors three times in the past fortnight and i've to go again on tuesday. it's really starting to worry me. :/
• due to above problem, i'm really behind on my school work. i have repeats in january, i have A2 in may. i have so much notes to catch up on because i keep missing class or when i'm in class i keep zoning out and feeling all funny.
• i had my driving test today. i fucked it up. reverse parking is a bitch. derek go fuck yourself you shitty driving practical examiner you smell like headlice lotion.

but for some weird reason, i dont give a fuck. i'm juss counting the days to i leave this shit hole and can be on my own.

Friend? HA!

It's shit when you find out what your friends think about you. . It's even shitter when your drunk because the words replay over and over again. . Ugh. . Sometimes I wish everyone had no friends. . Then you wydnt have anyone to let yoh down or upset you. .

All you ana girls, your my life!'

read all about it ♥

i wanna sing, i wanna shout, i wanna scream till the words dry out. so put it in all of the papers, i'm not afraid. they can read all about it, read all about it.

i've juss got a thinspo tumblr:
http://erinn-proana.tumblr.com/

i have a regular one. . if you want to follow me on my regular one, link me to yours and i'll follow you :)

she's better known for the thinngs that she does on the mattress

my school is full of so many sluts and tramps it's unreal. . but does it make me a bad person that i wish i was one of them?

i want to sleep around. i want lots of guys to tell me stuff like im pretty or fit, just so they can get in my pants. i want to be able to join in in conversations that my friends have about sex. i want to be the girl in the club that makes out with loads of guys in one night. i want to give guys the blow jobs i offer when i'm drunk. i want lots of guys to text me, telling me things i want to hear. i want to play lots of guys, pretend i'm interested when all i want is a fuck.

the only thing is. . i'm scared i'm becoming the person i've always detested. . why do i want to be a skank?

zumba

considering buying the zumba game for wii. . any good?

happy 100th post!

ironic because i'm not acc happy atm.

i can't remember the last time i was happy. . andd juss when i think things are starting to get back on track BAM something happens. . monday morning until this evening i was at my dads, like 2hrs away from where i live, i was so glad to be gettin a few days a way with no drama. . i came home and now B and S aren't speaking to me because N invited me to her hosue and didn't mention it to them. . i don't understand what i did wrong? like B and N have issues with each other so i can understand why N never said to ehr. . i'm to fed up with immature bullshit like this! i've got more important things to worry about!

secondly, me and my dad fell out a few months ago. . now we're speaking again. . he announced to me on wednesday that his girlfriend is 13 weeks pregnant. . at a time when i feel like everyone is replacing me, this really wasn't something i wanted to hear. . dont get me wrong. . i'm sososososo  happy for them! my dad's girlfriend (would it be appropriate to call her my step mum? prolly!) told her mum and dad on wednesday and they were so happy they started crying! but the only thing i cud think was i hope my dad doesnt treat this baby the way he treat me and my brother. . i hope he doesnt treat my step mum the way he treated my mum. . then i started thinking and something started telling me the only reason they were having a baby was to replace me. . and i've been getting sososo paranoid now. . i kno this is stupid . . but being replaced and forgotten is my biggest fear and thats what it feels like everyone's doing atm!

thirdly, everytime i get sad i think about my granny. . its so hard not too. . i dont even kno why! i really wish i cud only associate my granny with happy things but i keep thinking of her when im sad to. . well on the way home my dad decided to stop in at his parents house. . but i had to phone my granny to tell her we'd be there shortly. . and she juss went 'ok bye' and hung up. . that was the only words she spoke to me! i was so annoyed. . and i got thinking about the difference between my two granny's. . and for a split second. . i began to think that God took the wrong granny that. . that's such a horrible thought and i'm acc so ashamed for thinkng it!

i was also talking to my old best friend, D. . and she said, you've always been the strongest person i've known. . i'm so proud to call you my friend. .

i didn't have the heart to tell her i'm crumbling

you think that you kno me

it's funny how the people who know you least acctualy kno more about you than the people who kno you most.

i realised this on saturday night. N had a big crazy house party and me and her had a big drunken heart to heart with lots of tears. her brothers girlfriend was there for half of it. . but after the first five minutes of her sitting there she turned to me, wiped my tears and said 'erin, you are so broken. but one day, you wont be.' it really hit home the fact that no one really knos me truely. which made me feel sososososo lonely.

ugh

bucket list

today in school we had an enrichment day and we were told to write a bucket list. . so i thought i'd share mine with yous!

1. pass A Levels
2. get into uni
3. graduate from uni & get a job
4. visit manhattan
5. go skydiving
6. have my first kiss (pretty embarresing ha!)
7. loose virginity
8. find some decent friends
9. find a decent boyfriend
10. three day drinking binge
11. swim with dolphins
12. get another tattoo
13. travel in a hot air balloon
14. get married
15. have a family
16. read the bible in its entirety
17. go on a cruise
18. donate blood
19. go scuba diving
20. go to glastonbury
21. go to oxegen
22. drive a tractor
23. pass my car driving test
24. Visit St. Paul's cathedral, Rome
25. visit the vatican
26. return to aix-en-provence
27. reach my ugw
28. eat a meal without being scared
29. genuinely make someone happy
30. use a cheesy chat up line

it may not seem that ambitious! but it's my hopes and dreams :P

appreciation for my followers.

i've just hit 40 followers. :)

i've always thought my life pretty boring and unimportant. i'm the girl that has always wanted to blend into the background but somehow i can't manage that. i'm the sort of person who my friends think is this over confident, loud bubbly girl who is happy with the way she is. people that have been in my class for 6 years and wudn't be that close with me describe me as having 'fake confidence'. i pretend that i'm confident when really my insecurities are suffocating me.

this made me realise that most of the time, it's strangers who know the most about you. who can figure you out. i don't mean to sound rude, but in my eyes, my followers are strangers: i've never met any of you, and i only know so much about yous. but yous know stuff about me that i wouldn't that my friends don't know.

i'm not really sure what the purpose of this blog is. . just a thank you really. . i feel like my blog needs some changes made to it, so if you've any ideas of what you would like to see in it, comment please :)

-xe♥

♥

Life changes every minute of every day. You lose friends & you gain  friends. You realize your friend wasn't ever really your friend &  that person you used to hate can make a really good friend. You look for  love. You find love & lose love. You realize all along that you've  been loved. You laugh, you cry. You laugh so hard that you cry. You do  this , you do that , you really wish you hadn't done that. You then  learn from that , & are glad that you did. You have your ups &  downs. You see good movies , you see bad movies. You wonder if your life  is just one big movie. You look at others & wish you were them. You  then realize who they are & are glad that your you. You love life ,  you HATE life. In the end , you just find yourself happy to be living  life , no matter what's thrown at you.

you're gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul

my laptop broke. i'm raging. a year and a halfs worth of thinspo gone. four years worth of pictures, videos, memories. gone. 5000 + songs. gone. plus i'm fatter than ever before.

well there's a million other girls who do it just like you

saturday night, N & C came to mine for  a few drinks. we got drunk and N decided she wantedd to go to her boyfriends 'cause he was having a house party. i thought fair enough. but C started to get worried and she got annoyed too. . i thought this was strange . . so we went to A's boyfriends house and at about 1 am., they went upstairs to have a 'heart to heart'. pretty soon everyone left but N wouldn't come downstairs because they were doing stuff. . according to C this happens all the time. i got really annoyed because who goes upstairs and messes around with their boyfriend when two of her best friendds is sitting downstairs? C passed out and i was sitting drunk and fucked off. So evenntually i woke C up and told her i was leaving and she was coming with me. so we left. N wasn't too happy and ended up staying at her boyfriends house. . So me and C ended up walking home at 3.30 am in the rain along a busy motor way drunk. and when i got in home J phoned me asking where i was (I had texted her telling her i was walking home) and i said juss got in home. she shouted at me through the phone for not phoning her to get us. i didn't want to wake her so i was being nice. next morning N new i was pissed off. . she couldn't even come into my house to wait on C getting changed. . she's really annoying me. . and it turns out everything that i told her about what was going on between me and my mum (pretty much everything wrote up here) she told her boyfriend! he has no need to know! i told her that in confidence! ugh can't stand people like that. she was meant to be one of my best friends -_-

♥

if i should die before i wake, the least that i could ever say, i made mistakes but held on to my faith


i'm doing a first aid course tomoro. everyone says they don't kno why i'm doin it because if they're ever in bother then they don't want me to help them because i'm a bit ditsy. truth is, if i had of known cpr when my granny was dying, i could have saved her.

i walk this empty street on the boulevard of broken dreams

ok. i lied. nothings right between me and my mum. i feel like i owe you all i longer post than i left you before. so it's been a while and i'm going to introduce myself to you all again...

as you all know i suffer from some sort of eating disorder. i'm not quite ana. i'm not quite mia. i go days at a time eating very little, which is followed by days at a time eating constantly. i feel guilty just thinking about food. food will be my destruction. my mother decides to force it upon herself to make sure i eat. i haven't eaten breakfast in years. she makes me a lunch for school everyday (rather, she makes me prepare it). then if i dont eat it, she makes me feel guilty. . if i do eat it, this subconscious thought makes me feel guilty. i just wish she wouldn't buy me food. then she makes me cook the dinner and then watches me eat it. . i know that cooking a dinner is a normal thing to do, but for me it feels like a form of abuse. she calls me fat everyday. . 'that fat bastard' is her favourite phrase. she doesn't fail to remind me of how much of a failure i am, after getting CCD in my AS exams. . all my friends say i didn't fail, but if my mum says i failed then i failed. the past few weeks, my confidence has fallen so much to the point that i feel i can't even walk to the bus stop without messing that up. people have told me that they think my mother has some underlaying problems (as did Kim, in a comment on one of my posts). and it's true she does. my granny died four years ago as a result of being mugged in menorca on a family holiday. i was there with my mum and brother. it shook my world. made everything collapse. made me feel like i'd never be happy again. my best friend at the time said i didn't loose my granny, i'd actually lost my mum, cause that's what my granny was like to me. a mum. she was my world and i'd give anything to give her a hug right now. for a while after my granny's death everything seemed to reeturn to normal. i finally realised that i could be happy again, tho things wouldn't ever be the same again, i could adjust them to fit my life the way it had changed to. four years later my mum decides that she never had a chance to grieve. that she's angry. which i completely understand. the only thing is that she's taking her anger out on me. i know that i'll never be the person that my mum wants me to be. but i'm going to prove her wrong. i'm not going to be stuck this fat ugly failure for the rest of my life. i'm going to make something of my self. i understand that inorder to do this i'll have to work. . but at the moment all i'm allowed to do is school work. i'm not allowedd out. i'm not allowed my phone. i'm not allowed my ipod or my laptop. all i'm permitted to do is school work. it's got to the stage that i know this is unhealthy and i need to be allowed to leave my house. i'm going crazy. i really am. well not that i've been normal before. .

ABC tomorow. . i will do this. . i've let enough people down in my life, i promise that i'll not let you's down either!

guess who's back!

i'm back my lovelies! my last few posts have been pretty morbid. i admit that. someone said on a comment on my last blog that my mum must have underlayin issues, yes she does actually! but we've managed to sort of sort things out.

i passed my theory test! finally! no amount of words can describe the euphoria that i felt when i seen i had passed!

don't really have much to say to be honest. .

plan is to post everyday in october! at least once a day.
ABC starts tomorow

-xe♥

how do you get up from an all time low?

I've hit rock bottom. All I do is sleep. But I always wake up at 4 am crying. I'm miserable. My mum hates me. She tells me every day. She calls me a failure. Tells me I'm fat. Tells me I'm stupid. That I was the biggest mistake of her life. And I still want to try so hard to make her happy. I don't know what to do. My friends don't even like me anymore. They still talk to me. Prolly feel sorry for me. But I can tell the don't like me. There's something telling me that. It's not a voice as such, more like a feeling.

I'd love it if things between me and my mum cud be fixed. But they've been like this for too long. I would love to be able to smile a proper, genuine smile for at least 1 minute.

The bestvfling in the world

I went to bed AT 11 last nightclub . Woke up at two with the sharpest hunger pains ever. . It's now 6:18 am. . I need to get up for school in half an hour. . Despite being incredibly tired, I'm addicted to this feeling

Absolutely scunnered!

I'm actually so scunered. . If you don't understand what scunnered means I'm fed up. . Feeling hopeless and like I've not one purpose anymore.

I still don't have my laptop. . I'm not sure if I explained but my mum took my phone, laptop and iPod off me. . Bur I'm sneaky and took my iPod back. .

I can't wait for me to get my laptop back. . I miss all you lovelies!

-xe

I'm a majaaaa fuck up LAWWWL

to becca; thank you for the comment. . It cheered me up slightly, knowing other people had been in my situation last year!

In recent news. . 18/8 I got my as results. . Did shit. 23/8 had my driving theory test. . Tho fucked up me Thought going out and drinking cider at an abandoned bus stop wud have been a better idea. . Needless to saycmy mum went crazy when I came home stocious. . We argued. . I don't know what I said but I know I have a deep feeling of regret (i remember drunk feelings) and then I did my theory and failed it. . But 1 Mark. . So now I'm grounded for 6 weeks. . No phone, iPod or laptop. . Tho Ima sneak and got my iPod back til tonoroo. . But yea if I don't post I haven't forgotten about you lovelies,I juss haven't had a chance to get online!

Oh and I'm barely eating. . Spendin so much rime in the house and she's bound to notice eventually. . Fucccccckkkk

FUCKMYLIFE

i got my results for my AS exams on thursday. . i've been wallowing in self pitty because i didn't get what i wanted. i didn't work hard enough. . i've already been entered for the january repeats. . here's hoping i do better then. . i need BBB to get into Glasgow to do Religious Studies. . so i need to improve drastically!

the failure in my exams has led to failure with ana. . i've had such a bad week and one of my really good friends has said 'i hate seeing depresed and suicidal erin'.... sorry hunnay. . that's the way i always am. . it's juss harder to hide it at the moment. 

waaaaaaaaaah

tomoro's the day. i spent months preparing for. my AS results. albeit, i prepared for ages for it. . but only properly worked my arse off three weeks prior to the exams. . i need nto get good grades to get back into U6. .

here's hoping (yn)

ps. i'm so scared! and filled with nerves. . though the only good thing about these nerves is that i've lost my appetite adn finding it difficult to eat. . WAHEY!

after all this has passed, i still will remain

no one like me any more. not my friends, some of them seem to leave me out of whatever plans theyve made, others juss start arguements over nothing. my mum doesn't like me anymore, i can't seem to do anything right to make her happy. and the guy i was starting to fall for has juss started ignoring me.

yay for being lonely!

but seriously, being alone has magnified ana's voice. . i hear her louder than before 'they wouldn't have a problem with you if you were thinner.'

fuck, my head's in overdrive. ahhh

bleh.

as i've mentioned countless times before i just dont have a gag reflex anymore. . i used to binge and purge so much that my teeth became mess and yea. . i dont like talking about it. . but you get the picture. .

but last night i binged massively. . then i found myself crouched over my toilet. . and i managed to purge. . for the first time in years. .

the worst bit about this? i felt proud.

pro ana & thinspo

i'm going to come out and say it. i'm addicted to pro ana sites. i'm adicted to looking at thinspo. i'm addicted to hunger pangs.

i remember how i stumbled acros pro ana. they were on a blog i followed, the girl was talking about how she thought they were disgusting and should be banned. so i looked at it just to see what it was. i became obsessed. i couldn't even go a day without looking at it. but recently i've noticed how easily accessed pro ana thinspo n'all is. it scares me how people can get onto these websites. i know that ana has become a major part of who i am now, but i wouldn't wish it on anyone. i wouldn't want anyone to experience what i am.

such a messed up world that we live in.

i wish i was special. you're so fucking special

my mum thinks i've got an inferiority complex. she says the way i go on makes her think that i feel im not good enough. how right is she?

anyway, life is so boring at the moment. i'm looking forward to this week, i'll be out of the house most of the week adn won't have time to eat.. though, S, thinks we should have a day watching dvds. . . and eating food. . i've never had to attemtp t get out ofa  situation like this before. . :/

haaapppyyy :)

i can finally say that my life's starting to look up. . me and ana have learnt how to co-habitat inside my head. . for the time being. . M, the guy i'd started to fall for, is just there for me to amuse myself with when i'm bored, i dont care if it makes me sound like a bitch i just don't see myself ever being with him and he just wont stop texting me, i can't be rude and not reply. :P i've sorted everything out with most of my friends, apart from R (that's a long story).

on thursday, i'm getting a tattoo. a butterfly on my wrist, with granny below it. i cant wait, tho i'm scared it'll hurt. so, some tattoo thinspo for yous!

fuck you

is it sick that the only reason i want you is so i can get you to fall for me so i can hurt you, just like youve done to me?

m, about an hour ago, i'd of kissed the ground you walked on. now, i want to rip your balls off and force you to eat them. you're a player and a sleaze and you got me to fall for you. then, once you knew i'd fallen for you, you start telling me about a slut that you're going to have sex with. then you text me saying it didn't work and asked me why i think it didnt. way to crush me. but you're an arsehole. but i will crush you like you've crushed me. 

i don't care how many people i've to fuck. i don't care if i get a reputation. i'll hurt you as bad as you've hurt me.

lavv you petal. ;)

day two - a letter to your crush

dear m,
i don't know why i like you. we've been textin flat out since march. . tbh, you're quite boring. . all you do is watch tv, play xbox and fuck. all you talk about is sex and tbh i think i'm different from all the other girls you've had before. . they're all into this wild sex, while i've never had sex. you're not good looking bt theres something about the way you look that attracts me to you. but despite this, you know how to cheer me up and you say the sweetest of things. you dont know about my ana, but i think you have yourr suspicions. my friends dont agree with you. . its obvious why tho. . you're a player. . you've kinda messed me around and i keep falling for it. . i can be so silly sometimes.

♥

day one - a letter to your best friend

dear b,
we only started getting proper close this year. you're an actual star, you've been there with me through everything this year. when there was that really bad snow in december, i and i got stranded, you took me in. when my mumma got took into hospital you took me in. you were the only person who gave me somewhere to stay even when my family wouldn't. i've had so many good times with you;
- nights out, with the girls and guys
- nights out in your car
- you trying to teach me to drive
- that night we spent trying to hide from C while we were drunk,  and then getting caught and me having to get my mumma to lie.
- that night we went to the beach party and we took 2.5 hours to walk a 20 minute walk, then when we walked home that boy was playing the guitar behind us.
- me trying to teach your re and we ended up watching jeremy kyle and going out a drive.
-yourr the reason that M has been texting me since march, could punch you for that, but its provided us with a few gigles. :P

B, i honestly don't know what i'd do without you. you're  sucha star and i lovee you to bits. :) you know that my biggest fear is that we'll drift apart form each other when i go to uni next year, but i love how you reasurre me that can never happen :)

♥

i'm so sorry for all that i've done. i'm so sorry for what i've become.

admitedly, i've changed so much in the past few months. and i appologise for my lack of blog posts. i've been busy and i'm sorry! but i'm back and i promise to post as often as i can!

everyone hates me for changing.. i can tell.. i dye my hair, i'm continuously covered inn fake tan, i've just ordered a head of hair extensions, i'm never without my false eyelashes. i'm fake. and i know why. i can't handle people knowing who i am. so somehow, in my head it makes sense that if i cover what i really look like, people won't know that i'm damaged goods, that i'm broken into a million pieces, that ana has taken over my life. . i look at my friends and im filled with jealousy. they're happy. genuinely happy. that's the one thing i want from life. to be happy. i dont care if i end up living in a council house, just scraping by. i'd rather be like that than living the life of the rich and famous and miserable. as long as i'm happy i'll be content.

i'm starting the abc diet tomorrow. . i'm excited to do it. :D

haven't posted in a while..

i haven't posted in a while. . so much has happened. . i can't remember what all i've told you lot, so i think i'll just recap all of July..

• i went to tenerife. it was awful. i really needed a holiday but i couldn't enjoy myself because all around me, there was these beautiful skinny girls wearing bikinis, and there was me, dressed in shorts and t-shirt because i didn't want any one looking at my fatness. i really wish i could of enjoyed myself tho. 

• i fell out with my best friend. well she was my best friend. but we drifted majorly because she only spent time with her boyfriend and didn't even acknowledge that we existed anymore. so i confronted her and i was like 'fuck it. if you only have time for your boyfriend, then go for it. doesn't effect me anymore, i've got other people to care about.'

• my mum got took into hospital on monday. when i was in tenerife, i caught the cold/flu/whatever, then i gave it to my mum. she's diabetic so she has a low immune system. . the flu/cold/whatever turned out to be somesort of virus we caught when we were away and it started attacking her red blood cells, lowering her blood count. on sunday night/monday morning my mum got rushed to a&e and ended up having to get a blood transfusion. . thankfully tho, she's out of hospital now and getting better. . this past weeks been hectic.

i go back to school in 45 days, (i know, i should be enjoying summer, but bleh, it can fuck itself), so in 45 days, i'l be closer to perfection. :) so i was planning to do the abc diet, but i dont have 50 days. so i'm going to work out my own plan. .

when you see my face hope it gives you hell

i'm being played. i know i am. i get pissed off with him and then he does something to make me upset and we stop speaking and i get all sad and think how stupid i am for letting him go. then he texts me, doesn't understand what he's done wrong. i forgive him and we chat as normal then he starts talking about sex then we argue then the whole cycle starts again.

my friends are fed up with it and they're trying to come up with ways for me to get rid of him. i can't tell them that i want him. they wouldn't take that very well haha.

but the only thing he does that's good for me is that sick feeling you get when you really like someone. you can't eat. you can't think. and with my granny's anniversary coming up on friday. . thinking's the last thing i want to do! i know he's playing me and i keep trying to kid myself that he does like me. . ugh i hate this. but i love the things he tells me. like i'm pretty and one of the most beautiful girls he's seen and how he hates that i think i need to change. wish i knew he was serious.

exit wounds - the script

my hands are cold, my body's numb, i'm still in shock, what have you done? my head is pounding, my visions blurred. your mouth is moving, i don't hear a word. and i hurt so bad, that i search my skin for the entry point, where love went in and ricoshad and bounced around and left a hole, when you walked out.

i'm falling through the doors of the emergency room. can anybody help me with these exit wounds? i don't know how much more love this heart can lose. and i'm dying, dying from the exit wounds. where they're leaving, the scars you're keeping. exit wounds

marks of battle, they still feel raw. a million pieces of me, on the floor. i'm damaged goods, for all to see. now who would ever wanna, be with me? i've got all the baggage, drink, the pills. yeah this is living but without the will. i'm backing out, i'm shutting down. you left a hole, when you walked out yeah.

i'm falling through the doors of the emergency room. can anybody help me with these exit wounds?  i don't know how much more love this heart can lose. and i'm dying, dying from the exit wounds. where they're leaving, the scars you're keeping. exit wounds.

lose your clothes and show your scars that's who you are. marks of battle, they still feel raw. a million pieces of me, on the floor.

i'm falling through the doors of the emergency room. can anybody help me with these exit wounds?  i don't know how much more love this heart can lose. and i'm dying, dying from the exit wounds. where they're leaving, the scars you're keeping. exit wounds.

you made me who i am, from the words you said..

my first exam is monday. i'm stressed out. i can't sleep. i can't think. i can't eat. i don't want to go out. i juss wanna stay sat at my desk and study all day. it's become an obssesion. i get really freaked out if i don't have at least nine hours of studying done. my mum said she's worried about me. i can see why. i've become a ghost of what i used to be. i dont know if its ana doing this to me. or myself. but either way, i kind of like it.

and in the middle of it all, i think i'm falling for someone. i really shouldn't be falling for him. and i'm scared to tell my friends cause i know what their reactions will be.

in ten days time i'll be free from all this stress and worry. and in ten days time summer will have officially started. i'm more than ready for it.!

because maybe, you're gonna be the one that saves me

wonderwall - oasis

this song is so relevant to me right now.. it's unreal. i need saved big time. i need saved from this world. i can't cope any more. it's killing me knowing i'll never be good enough for anyone, especially myself. i've been thinking... if i can accept myself then maybe other people will be able to also? it's along shot.. i know that's the way it should be but i know deep down that'll never happen. i'll always be living in a world full of self resentment and that kills me.

on other news . .i think i'll wright about him  in another blog post. it's too long to just post here!

have you forgotten how you would make me feel

i haven't spoke to my dad in over three weeks. i'm not going to. i don't like him. i told him. he looked hurt. it made me smile knowing that i managed to make him hurt. afterall, he's hurt me so much over the past 17 years. it made me feel brilliant. 

i've been off on study leave. 22 days from now and it'll be summer. i cannnt wait. :D 36 days til i go on holiday. i'm excited, but not so much that i'll have to wear a swimsuit. :( so i'm hitting the gym.

just a short update, i'm boring atm. exams does this to me. . i need to get highest in my year in re. if i dont ill be really angry with myself. i am the best at re.i've been told that by everyone. it's the only thing i'm good at. so i need to prove it. .

just like i need to prove everyone wrong. i will be skinny. i will be smart. i will be beautiful. i will be perfect.

new blog

i've decided to create a new blog. i'm still going to update this one, but it'll be about my life and my eating disorder, pretty much the same as it is now. my new blog is going to be more to do with calorie intake, weight loss, etc.
so...
http://dyingforperfectionn.blogspot.com/

♥

seduction, seduce ain't nobody who's as good as what i do, first one minute she loves you then she don't. she's been stolen from you. it's like a verbal seduction.

Eminem you little beauty ♥

just a thought

i'm not a hardcore bible basher. but Acts of the apostles really fascinates me. i'm doing it for half of my RE course.. this is by far one of the most fascinating quotes from it. well in my opinion...

“Jesus I know, and Paul I know about, but who are you?” Then the man who had the evil spirit jumped on them and overpowered them all. He gave them such a beating that they ran out of the house naked and bleeding.

it's paul's third missionary journey. when the seven sons on Sceva thought they were doing good by heping to banish evil spirits from people and helping cure illnesses.. they way i see it, it proves that you dont get anything out of trying to be nice. . 

some day i'll be big enough so you can't hit me

yesterday, today and tomorrow, i'm doing work placement in my old primary school.

today, we went on a history walk with another primary school. one wee boy started talking to me. and it took everything i had to not cry...

'that man over there looks like my real daddy.'
'does he?'
'yea! well he looks nicer.'
'oh..'
'my real daddy used to hit me all the time. and at night, he locked me in my room. sometimes i peed myself. that made him angry.'
'urmm..' i didn't have a clue what to say.
'sometimes he hit my mummy too. i dont know why! my mummy is amazing!'
'oh.' fighting back tears.
'i'm sorry for upsetting you! you're nice though. i know you wont hit me.'

i came home and cried for three hours. i can't get how someone could do that to a 7 year old. and even though he'd experienced all of this, it didn't put a downer on his spirit. he was happy and loving life.

it's amazing what children could teach you.

"Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that mother fucker's reflection." 

i've realised that everytime i have an arguement with one of my friends, i make some drastic changes in my life. when i fell out with SS, i rearranged the furniture in my room. when i fell out with CP, i threw out most of my clothes and bought new ones. and now that i've fallen out with J, i've dyed my hair. dark brown.


thinking this morning i realised i'm fed up being let down by everyone. whether it's family or friends. it annoys me so much its unreal! so i change a part of my life that i feel relates to them. like SS helped me decorate my room. CP was always the one i went clothes shopping with and J was the one who always called me ginger.


i'm weird. 

et est-ce que tu a connaissance que tu me manques.

i'm finished for summer. :)
i only have to go in now for exams and revision classes. . but i'm not going to the classes.

i had my oral on thursday. it went so much better than i thought it would be. we had an external examinator and he told my french teacher 'erin, she's such a character. i've been examinating for thirty odd years. and never in all that time have i met someone like her.' i dont know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.. but i'm going to take it as a good thing. :)

it's made me so confident for my exams. bring it.

is this what it feels like to really cry?

you wouldn't hate me if i was skinny.
you wouldn't hit me if i was skinny.
you wouldn't think i was stupid if i was skinny.

'you're nothing but a fat bastard.'
'how can one person be so fucking thick?'
one punch. two punches. three. four. a kick for luck

i just need you to love me.

is that too much to ask?

Dear head

dear head.
it fascinates me how this tiny little brain like yours can hold so much information. can hold the calorie content of so many different types of food. can hold information of acts of the apostles, of the foundations of the celtic church, of fluvial features, of globalisation, of two different languages fluently.

it fascinates me how you've allowed me to become adapted to the lifestyle which i have. for example i know i need help, but you've convinced me that it's perfect to be the way i am, instead of some obese food obsessed person!

it fascinates me how this mass of cells that you are can operate everysingle thing about me. from the movement of my toes to the things i'm going to say.

thank you head. for keeping me grounded. for telling me when it's wrong to love someone and for telling me when it's quite alright to do so.

erin♥

we like to sleep all day, and party all night

it feels like no one reads this any more. ugh. im having such a bad day. two days til the oral. :(

any suggestions about what you want to seee my in blog. i feel like i'm just complaining to much. .
so comment with any suggestions. :)
-xe♥

we just wanna make the world dance

well my lovelies. it's now a new month. four months down of 2011 and eight more to go. it made me wonder.. what have i accomplished? nothing.


so i thought, these next two months are crucial to me. i need to get as high as i can so that next year there isn't as much pressure on me. i need to get BBB in my Alevels, to get into the course i want to do. scary beans. so you might hear less and less from me until the 17th of June. i'll still post as often as i can when i remember but my life's so swamped!

wee exam timetable to remind myself;
12/05/11 - afternoon - french oral. FUCK
13/06/11 - morning - RE acts
14/06/11 - afternoon - physical geography
15/06/11 - morning - RE celtic church
17/06/11 - morning - human geography
17/06/11 - afternoon - french listening
17/06/11 - afternoon - french reading, writing, translation.

such a busy week :(

My life has been pretty hectic recently. Although not to a far out extent. But still, hectic nonetheless. I've been to stay with my dad for a bit and I've started my first job at a winebar. . . I'm a waitress. . .

I promise I'll post soon. I know I keep saying this. . But I have so much school work to do too. It's never ending! I'm in so much pain at the moment it's unreal. . I hurt even to move in bed. My feet are aching, and I have hunger pains that are so sore they don't feel real. .

Ugh, maybe tomorrow my lovelies. -xe

. . .

i've devised a route i'm going to walk everyday (or almost everyday) i've checked the distance and estimated length on google maps.

distance: 5.3 miles
time: 1hr 46 mins.

i'm excited for tomorrow!

where did i go wrong? i lost a friend.

the past week, i've been off school for easter break (spring break for my American followers). I've stayed in and studied for my AS in June. i need to do good. i need to prove people wrong, that i am smarter than they think! but with being at home basically alone while wee ugs (nickname for my brother) has been at school and my mum has been at work, i've alos thought alot.

i've realised. there are only six people that i can trust. my mum, B, N, C, CC and S. these five girls, are the ones that i can rely on. i've only really been close to them all since september. but i can count on them a hell of a lot more than the people i've been best friends with my whole life! i'd love to say i can trust mmore people. but i feel greatful that i have these six. as i know most people don't have anything!

i wish i could stop thinking, just turn off my brain you know? sucks.

also, i'm going to stay with my dad tomorrow until next tuesday. urgh. can't be assed. 

-xe♥

Cassie,

I didn't eat for three days so I could be lovely.

butterfly fly away ♥

when my granny died almost four years ago, there was a butterfly flying around our hotel complex. at her funeral, there was a butterfly flying in the chapel. at times when i've felt discomfort and sadness, i've seen a butterfly. at times when i've felt happiness and joy, i've seen a butterfly. i honestly believe that my granny reincarnated as a butterfly. just this thought alone gives me so much comfort!

when my granny died, i ran for help. and everyday, i blame myself. i didn't run fast enough. i couldn't. that's when all my problems mentally started with my weight. 'if i was skinnier, i could have ran faster. i could have got help faster. she wouldn't have died.'

yesterday morning. i woke up. there was a butterfly in my kitchen. it was the most beautiful thing ever. i have no idea if there's any relevance in the creature i now see as a sign of my granny being present in my kitchen, where all our food is. doubt ill ever know because the butterfly started to died. it just fell onto the windowsill and i tried to move it and it began to curl up. so i scooped it onto a page to put it out the window. it got squished. defiinately dead.

in my head, it feels like i've been the cause of my granny's death twice now. that's really fucked me up. so writing this, my body's doing a completely different thing from what my head's screaming at it. 'DONT EAT.' 'PUT THAT ICECREAM DOWN FATTY.' but i can't stop.

im sorry my lovelies. its nearly one o'clock in the afternoon. and i've managed to consume so much food! i feel like i've let you all down. like i've let ana down. like i've let my self down.

-xe♥

the truth is all that i can hear, everytime you lie

i haven't posted in twelve days. sorry my dearss! alot has happened. i had a french exchange girl staying with me for a week. i wanted to punch myself in the face. she showered once the whole week. but the only good thing was she expected me to pay for her food, so then i couldnt afford any for me :D

up until yesterday, i was still gettin messages from the creepy cousin. on saturday i started argueing with him (i was drunk so it'snot my fault!) about how he's tryin to fuck with my head and how he's not happy unless he's doing that and that he should just leave me alone. obvz, he wasn't happy with that and i got a message saying 'suck me off or i'll tell everyone we had sex.' being drunk i freaked. the only reason i didnt do anything with him was cause we're related.. it freaked me out.. but i got it sorted and we decided we'd be friends.. but then we were just talkin yesterday and he started tellin me about how he had sex with his ex. i was like. why are you telling me this? i reallly dont care! and then i caught on, he's still just trying to use me for sex! like even though he knows we're related.. he still can't help himself. it makes me feel cheap, you know? and maybe like he's taking the pisss outta me, cause im so fat. :/
me: gone do me a favour?
m: what?
me: delete my number?
m: aww :( why?
me: cause you're only lookin for a dirty bit from me..
m: nahh im not
me: well it looks that way..
m: sorry well. :(
me: don't be sayin sorry. but if thats all youre lookin, then you might asweell delete it. :/
m: right.
me: guesss i wont be hearing from you for a while..
no reply

i just hate the fact that he thinks he can use people. with out caring. like i wouldn't even mind being friends with him.. but i guess he doesn't see the point in anything.

it was my birthday on wednesday. :D 17 at last! i had my first driving lesson then too! ah it was scary shit. i can't be bothered going into it. but i think i'll be hittin the roads sooon. :)

food wise. i've lost 5 lb since my last post. i hate food. i hate exercise. i hate my body. i wish i could have one wish.

i'm that star up in the sky, i'm that mountain peak up high, hey i made it, i'm the worlds greatest.

Dr Lav. you were my favourite teacher ever. you're the one who persuaded me to do double award science for GCSE and taught me the foundations to chemistry and physics. even after i left your class, you still called me into your classroom for a chat whenever i walked past. just to see how i was getting on with my GCSE subjects, telling me if i needed any help with my science coursework that you'd help me no problem. then on the results day you said 'i wouldn't expect anything less from you erin!'

then when you weren't back this year, everyone was wondering 'where is he?' we were told that he'd gone to write a new text book and he'd be back next year. then three weeks ago. Dr Bob announced we had to pray for you, that you were sick. so we asked our form teacher 'stomach cancer'. she said. we were crushed. 'hell pull through - it's Dr Lav!' then today i saw it on facebook. R.I.P Dr Lav. i was standing in the middle of New Look, my eyes welled up with tears andd i tried my hardest not to cry.

it's hard to believe that such a bad thing could happen to sucha lovely man. Dr Lav, you made me realise everyone is capable of being good and even if someone has killed 3783753 people, they still can have a heart of gold. you were such an inspiration and i really appreciate all that you did for me. the only comfort that we can get is that you're not suffering anymore. sleep well Lavsterr.

this love has taken its toll on me.

i have two really important things to talk about (well they may seem insignificant to you, but to me, they're everything. one is more fundamental than the other obvzz.) but i'm gonna write them over two blogs, because i feel the second has too much significance for me than the first.

well i wrote in my blog a few posts ago that i was texting a boy and found out he was my third cousin and stuff. well,, i think i need to expand on it a little..

well, my friend told me to text this boy A the day after st paddys. so i did. but then a couple days later, i some how was managing to text his younger brother M. we talked for a bit, and i thougth, hmmm. he's nice.. but yea we said we'd meet sometime. but he was actualy so nice. i opened up to him and when he asked me what my favourite foodd was i told him everything. and for the first time, he made me feel good about my self. then i found out he's my third cousin. he said it doesn't make a difference and that he still likes me. but i liked him too. and it just didnt feel right. but he's still been textin away at me. and i dunno what to do! like i like him but i cant go there. :/ he just makes me feel ok with my self and everything but ughh..

i just needed to vent all this out. because i can't say to my friends cause they'd think it weird.  any ideas what to do?

Roman catholic choirs are singing

Life is so eventful! I promise, I'll update soon. This is a quickie from my iPod!

Ps. I have tonsillitis. Meaning it's impossible to eat. Meaning I'm being encouraged to fast. Resultt :D

Ps. Again. My French teacher should fuck herself. In my French presentation, I wrote about eating disorders and what triggers them. I wrote how I don't think the media is that much of an influence. Mainly as I don't see the media as one of my main triggers. I understand that there are beautiful, delicate girls inside the covers of a magazine, but I also see beautiful, delicate girls at the shop, at school, on the bus. Everywhere. This made me interested, do you my lovelies think similair to me and don't see the media as a major trigger?

-xe

love is evol. spell it backwards

i've never been as embarresed in my life! so many reasons too!

firstly, for any of you lovelies who recieved a bbm from me saying something like 'sit on my face and lick my bum'. sorry! that wasn't me! my friends thought they were being funny -_-

secondly, they textedd that to someone in my phone book and his younger brother started texting me after and he asked me to meet him and stuff. and we were just textin nothing creepy though and we'd plannned to meet up this weekend, but then i found out - he's my second cousin! i almost dropped. my friends think it's hilarious. but what do they know -_-

well, know that's my recent embarresments out of the way.. i'm going to an open day at my local womens only gym next weekend. i cannnot wait because its near my bus stop after school so i'll go for a bit afterschool everyday and my mum saidd she'll pay some of the cost too! ahh. i'm so excited!

this is onlly a short update for you beauts. so 'til tomorrow
-xe♥

you're way to young to fall apart.

it's official. ive came to that point in my life where i just want everything to fix its self up. i'm fed up trying to please other people and im fed up with the way my life is. my mum wants me to be skinnier, smarter and she wants me to get a job. i'm destined to be fat for the rest of my life. i know i am. i'm going to fail my As exams and i know for a fact i'll never be able to get a job! I have so much pressure on me to do well in life. to be this thing i'm not. but it's the thing i want to be.

i wish i had control over everything, all these thoughts that are going on in my head. the way i look. how smart i am. well i've decided. i can try. no more being the fat, average friend. tomorrow, the new me is going to shine through. i'm going to fast. for one week. then the abc diet. one hour in the morning on my excercise bike and half an hour before bed. i'm going to do four hours of studying at night time. i just need help with a study plan. ughh.. :(

-xe♥

we like to sleep all day and party all night

this past week has been so tragic. i ate one mean a day monday and tuesday and wednesday. then from wednesday night it's all gone down hill. thursday was st paddy's. so me and my friends went out on wenesday night. it was such a disaster. no joke. my 'best friend.' just left us and never told us she was going home so we spent ages looking for her then by the time we had to leave, all the taxis had gone so we, Me, B, N and DD had to walk to the end of the lane to a garage. normally i wouldn't have minded but when it's raining, youre only wearing a skirt, vest top and a pair of 4 inch heels, its 1:45 am and there's a shit ton of drunken fights happening, it's quite scary. so we had to wait at the garge for an hour, phoning everyone we could think of to come get us. but eventually we got a taxi!

thursday, said 'best friend' started an arguement about why i'd drunk texted her last night. i didn't realise i had until i'd read my messages (oops!) but in all fairness, drunk me had a point..
'Yeaa. never worry. we got home ok! LOL JK. we're fuckin waitin in the fuckin rain at the fuckin garage and there's no fuckin taxis!' 
i admit i kinda overused 'fuckin'. but she started an arguement about how she'd phoned me. but she didn't phone me til she'd got home and we were already out in the rain. but yea. i got drunk again. St. Paddy's day FTW. :P

think i'm going to save my money, calories, whatever. until after my exams. ughh. i've got so much work t do and not enough time. i have no idea where to start. so if any of you darlings are great at organising out stuff and you want to help me. then pleaseee comment, i'd greatly appreciate it!

-xe♥

here's to the future, cause i'm done with the past.

i haven't posted a proper blog in a while. it's 7:50 am on a saturday morning and ive been awake for near two hours. i'm in such a bad mood i cant sleep. all i want to do is eat. try and fill the emptyness inside. but my mind is screaming 'stop' and 'put it down!' but it's like my hands are on autopilate grabbing everything they can to shove into my mouth. then once i've eaten. i feel so worse. my body doesnt let me purge any more. i'm such a failure.

in my last blog i mentioned how Hazel Stewart got sent down. i can't even begin to describe how happy i am. but seriously google her. incase you don't know the whole shabang, i'll explain briefly :
Colin Howell and Hazel Stewart were having an affair. Colin ohwell killed his wife then killed Hazel Stewart's husband. he put their bodies in a car and filled it with exhaust pipe fumes to make it look like suicide. 16 years passed and then in 2007, Colin Howells son was killed in Russia and he also lost millions and was in debt so he confessed to the police. he got life. then,  a few weeks ago, Hazel Stewart was in court she pleaded not guilty but she was found to be guilty as she provided the drugs for Colin Howell, she cleaned up after him gave him clean clothes to wear. this has been the biggest shit to come out of northern ireland since the troubles.

i've also lost nearly all my friends through no fault of my own. they basically tried to steal £30 off me. i know it's not that much but £30 is £30. that could buy alot of vodka. (which all i seem to want to do these days, ddown bottles of vodka)

i got my school report in and i got a B in RE, a B in french and a C in geography. i was actually so extatic. :D i just needa work my ass off and get all my grades up for june :)

i think that's everything. if it's not i'll just blog again.
-xe♥

Friends are for people who aren't strong enough to do it alone.
Friends abandon you when you need the most.
Friends lie.
Friends shouldn't exist.
Friends steal.
Friends make you feel crap about yourself.
Friends are wankers.

They don't need me and I sure as fuck don't need them!

Side note: my iPod corrects wankers to ramjets. I wishwishwish I had an iPhone.

Short update

This is more of a short post. I'll update a longer one later.

Birthday - 42 days away
Holiday - 112

Weight needs to be gone by my holiday at least. It would be nice for my birthday. But at least my holiday would be nice.

Hazel Stewart got life. YES!!!!

two songs

1. No Love - eminem
2. comin home - diddy dirty money

He that eats till he is sick must fast till he is well - English Proverb

in just under 7 weeks, i'll have finished lower sixth. don't get me wrong i have to come in to do my exams in june and my french oral in may.. but nonetheless, i'll have no classes after easter (unless you count stupid revision classes that i'll not even go to).

this made me realise. how scary it is that life is passing me by. i'm meant to embrace this and cherish every moment but how can i do that if the momeny passes before it even happens?

ughh. i guess i'm just scared of growing up.

one of my best friends is getting chucked out of tech (college) for not doing her coursework. she should be doing it but instead she gets drunk all the time, meets a whole pile of different guys and plays them off each other. her dad lost his job and she still expects her mum to pay her phone bills that cost £150 and fund her drinking and smoking. sure i understand the 'here for a good time, not a long time' thing. but i think you can share your time. like i work my arse off monday - friday and on a sunday. but i get up at 6 every morning to do an hour on my exercise bike. then i do another hour before bed. and in return, i do fun things on fridays or saturdays like clubbin and shit. the way i see it, ten years from now: do i want to be working in tescos or sit with a decent job that'll let me enjoy myself as well then? urghh. i dont know.

what i do know is. one day i'll have my perfect life. i'll be perfect. i'll have a perfect job.

three films

1. toy story 3
2. tim burtons alice in wonderland
3. my sister's keeper

four books

1. of mice and men - john steinbeck
2. the diary of a wimpy kid - jeff kinney (aha, immature i know)
3. harry potter and the deathly hallows - J.K. rowling
4. Skellig - david allmond

five foods

1. jelly beans
2. lettuce
3. millions
4. creme eggs
5. chicken nuggets

Manger ou ne pas manger? Voilà la question.

I have to write a presentation for my French oral and that's the title that I used. I had a choice of subjects to chose from for it. But I chose eating disorders. Simply because I felt that I'd be able to talk about it better than I could talk about things like gender roles in society or secularism.

on friday, i had to email my final draft to my french teacher. Up until now it's been my French oral assistant looking at it. She said my presentation was perfect. That it was one of the most interesting thing she's ever read. But that's not what my French teacher said in the reply i got. it made me angry. upset. when i read the comments she gave me.

'erin. it's quite evident that you really haven't a clue what you're talking about. honetsly. people don't get to the point where food controls their life.'
 yes. it does. food controls what mood im in. it determines if i have a good day or a bad day. i cant eat some thing without wantin to cry or physically hurt my self.

'have you actually heard some say that they have what is described as a voice in their head telling them that they're a horrible person if they eat something with more than 100 calories.'
i do. 

'rewrite this. and make sure you actually do research this time. none of this made up stuff.'
this isnt made up. it's real life. my life. 

get up on the floor and grab some one

i've been thinking alot about stereotypes recently and i've realiesd that it's become such a regular thing that i stereotype someone before i even hear them speak. it's made me wonder: what is wrong with me? it's not right to judge people like that. people would look at me and the fact i have an eating disorder wouldn't even come to their mind. i look as if i dont have one.

but yea. this was sparked by a drunken conversation me and my friend had a few weeks ago. about the different social groups in my year. although theres only 71 people theres a shit ton of cliques.

• the boys
• the stuck up bitches
• the i act like im gay so i can get laid.
• the christians
• the 'hipsters'
• the people who think they're bad ass but haven't drunk, smoked or touched drugs and are in bed sleeping for 11pm
• the normal people

i hate social groups. -_-
and prejudism -_-

six places

1. northern ireland - where i live
2. cala 'n' forcat, menorca - where my granny died
3. new york - where i wish i was born.
4. lourdes, france - where i surprisingly love. despite being really holy
5. aix-en-provence - where i've been on three school exchanges.
6. liverpool, england - where i'm going to go after i finish school

22nd february 2011

for the first time in my short, insignificant life, i have nothing to say. there's no thoughts in my head. my mind is as empty as the sahara at mid day. i'd love to write an inspirational blog. but truth is, i'm not inspiration.

maybe i'll post something worthwhile tomorrow. but meh. i dont know. does anyone even read my blog anymore? is it worthwhile posting tomorrow?

is anything worthwhile?
ughhh

day 5 - your dreams

dear dreams,
youre very fucked up atm. you made me think my best friend was a duck. though i do wish i could remember you. my RE teacher says that your dreams are your subconcious talking to you. i wish i could remember what you're all about just so i would know what's going on in my head.
that is all.


you're not a very long list. most teenagers have massive long lists of dreams and ambitions. mines is only short

• reach my weight goals
• do good in my Alevels
• get to uni
• finish uni
• get a good career
• find a husband
• have a family
• be happy.

its not really much to ask. here's to hoping the future is good to me, eh?

seven wants

1. to be skiny
2. to be loved
3. to stop hating myself
4. to find a boyfriend
5. to have my ginger hair back
6. to have straight teeth
7. to be happy

eight fears

1. being forgotten when i die.
2. never being loved
3. failing at life
4. losing everything that i've ever known
5. not being able to have children when im older
6. getting pregnant before i go to uni
7. the bathroom scale
8. food

all the crazy shit i did tonight, those will be the best memories.

last night was by far one of the most amazing nights ever. me, J and S all went to Bs house. we started drinking at like eight. walked to the chip shop that Bs parents own. sat there for ages talking drinking vodka out of polystyrene cups. walked about a bit. went back to Bs house at like midnight and drank some more. went down stairs and had a chat to her mum. i cooked them all a three course meal at four in the morning. went back up stairs and talked about the good old days and all our memories until seven am.

even though it was fun thinking about all the fun things in the past, it made me realise that nothing lasts for ever. and change is inevitable. i haven't seen one of my best friends since 24th june 2010. i miss her so much like it's unreal. i used to be able to sit and ahve a full blown conversation with her and now its like hi and thats the limit. i would actually love to have one day where i could go back into the past and cherish all the memories that i had. because i know that i took all the people in my past for granted. but i will let them know how much i appreciate them for helping me to be the person i am now.

-xe♥

nine loves

1. my granda
2. my mum
3. my friends
4. coffee
5. sprite zero
6. fake tan
7. make up
8. smiles
9. cute late night texts

ten secrets

1. i'm jealous of my friends
2. i blame myself for my granny's death
3. i've never told anyone how much i weigh and i never will.
4. i can't remember what happiness feels like
5. i have trust issues and i don't believe in love
6. i'm a catholic but i continually question my religion
7. my mum hates me. and my dad wants nothing to do with me
8. once i leave northern ireland to go to uni, i'm never ever coming back. 
9. i put on a mask everyday. no one's seen through it
10. i want to do something great with my life and i want it to end with a bang. so that people won't forget me.

how can you sleep while the rest of us cry?

i've attempted to write a blog for the past week. but i've made so many failed attempts. i can't seem to do anything right at the moment. i can't blog. i can't fast. i can't have a decent relationship with my family. i can't do school work. i can't even purge. how pathetic am i?

no matter where i go these days my eating disorder is staring me right in the face. re class. 

'asceticism is the practice of renouncing world pleasures ... it focuses on chastity, fasting and abstinence, in the belief that purifying the body helps to purify the soul.'

in all seriousness. it's like the celtic monks from the 4th and 5th century have focused everything around fasting. i know you's prolly dont want a history lesson of christianity in ireland, but its like these people fasted for reasons quite similiar to many ana's - for perfection.

in french, my oral presentation is all about eating disorders. i wrote down everything that was in my head in english and then i threw in a few facts and figures and then translated it to french. 

'your work is so interresting to read. and i can tell that you've done alot of research for this. you should be proud of this piece of work erin!'

that's not research. that's experience.

there's a girl who's began following my blog. and she added me a few days ago on bbm and last night we had a nice chat on bbm. it actually feels so good to be able to talk to someone about my eating disorder and know that i'll not be judged by the person i'm talking to. and she's lovely too! seriously go check out her blog justwant2bfree

i appologise for how this blog has been thrown together with all mismatched aspects. i just cannot be bothered thinking.

-xe♥

made a wrong turn, once or twice

this week has gone in so slowly. it's mostly been a bad week to be honest. but at the moment, i've gotten over the fact i had a massive binge the other day and i'm in a pretty good mood. my ears not as sore any more. and i'm going to spend this weekend with my girls. :) can't wait to be honest.

but the one day i'm dreadding is monday. while all my friendds are spending valentines day with their boyfriends, i'll be cleaning my garden. on my own. how fun does that sound? aha

any of you lovelies have a bb? if so. leave your bbm pins in a comment

-xe♥

last night when i went to bed, i had 8 followers. i just signed in and now i have 12!
thanks for the follows. :) i'm only posting a quick blog now then i'm going to check out your blogs!

i feel embarresed writing. like i'm not good enough. you'll all laugh at me. i'm not strong enough. i managed to fast up until 4:30 pm. when i came home from school. i was sitting in my living room watching last weeks glee. when all of a sudden, i felt this pang of anger. i walked out to my kitchen and opened the cupboard. 1 pack of crips. 2 packs of crisps. three. that wasn't enough. opened the biscuit tin. a penguin biscuit. a twix finger. a pack of mini hobnobs. still not enough. i opened another cupboard. a tin of beans.

a fucking horrible binge.

it's been months since i last purged after a binge. it's been months since i last had a binge like that. i ran up stairs and fell at the toilet. i put my two fingers down my throat. once. twice. three times. but i couldn't purge. i heaved. quite alot of times. after half an hour of trying to purge i gave up. it just wasnt happening. i sat on the floor with mmy back to the bathroomm door. my knees hunched up and my face tear stained, poking at the flab rolls on my stomach. all of this because of anger. i was angry before. now i'm fucking furious. with my self. with school. with friends. with life in general.

it's official. i've hit rock bottom. and there's no way for me to get up from here.

asdfghjkl

my imune system is such a slut. seriously. it gets with everything.

a couple weeks ago i got two insect bites on my neck and of course, i took a reaction to it and i 'looked like edward cullen bit me' well so my friend says. then last week i had a mysterious hospital appointment that scared me shitless. turns out i had to get my 3rd hpv injection. i took a serious reaction to the 2nd one. and i took a panic attack before i got the third. then today, i was at the doctors again. i've go an ear infection. well done immune system -_-

but being off today wasn't so bad. i spent the day with my granda :) he's suchan amazing person. i love him to bits. we talked about all our memories and looked through old pictures. and he asked me to make pancakes with him on pancake tuesday. i dont have  to eat them. then sommeone phoned my grandas house with their phone number on secrecy.

can i speak to the lady of the house?

urmm. who is this?

are you the lady of the house

no. there isn't one...

oh she found someone better then didnt she?

who the fuck did you say you were?

laughter.

my granda then goes 'who was that?' i was like 'urmmm...' and he goes it was them again. wasn't it? apparently phone calls like this have happenned at least three times before. not including the first phone call when he explained my granny died almost four times. i swear if i ever find out who it is. i'll kick their fuck in. sad sacks of shit.

ughhh. where my weights concerned - i'm still fat. i probably always will be. i'm getting up at 6 am to go on the excercise bike until 7.30 and then i'll walk to the bus stop, go to school, fast all day, walk home from school, hoope to fuck my report's in tomorrow so i can hide it from my mum, avoid dinnner, homework, excercise bike for an hour or so before bedd. tomorrow will be a fasting day.

-xe ♥

sunday 6th february 2011

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.  

 Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Last night one of my friends said something to me that kind got to me. i was on facebook and she asked me 'can i interview you for my english homework?' i was like sure.

what makes you so perfect?

i'm far from perfect

 i don't think i'm perfect.

what part of you do you think is perfect?

i'm not perfect! why would i think i'm perfect? i'm a fat mess.

 urm, the white bits of my eyes are really white and i'm an honest person - i speak my mind

who is your inspiration?

the olsen  twins

 am i allowed to be cheesy and say my mum? or does it have to be someone famous?

it can be anyone.

the olsen twins

 oh well my mum.

who do you aspire to be like?

someone happy. some one pretty. someone thin. someone graceful. someone who's not me

i don't aspire to be like anyone. i'm happy being me lies 

who do you think you're most like?

an elephant. a beached whale. 

i don't think there's anyone quite like me. but my doctor said i'm alot like my granny.

she took all the questions and wrote a newspaper sort of article. she made me sound like a self-induldged twat. i sound like i love myself. she took everything and twisted what i'd said and now i sound horrible. i didnt think the questions she'd ask me would be like that. she wrote them questions based on me. 

i don't think i'm perfect. i cry myself to sleep everynight thinking about my imperfections! 

-xe♥