Friday, 28 October 2011

bucket list

today in school we had an enrichment day and we were told to write a bucket list. . so i thought i'd share mine with yous!

  1. pass A Levels
  2. get into uni
  3. graduate from uni & get a job
  4. visit manhattan
  5. go skydiving
  6. have my first kiss (pretty embarresing ha!)
  7. loose virginity
  8. find some decent friends
  9. find a decent boyfriend
  10. three day drinking binge
  11. swim with dolphins
  12. get another tattoo
  13. travel in a hot air balloon
  14. get married
  15. have a family
  16. read the bible in its entirety
  17. go on a cruise
  18. donate blood
  19. go scuba diving
  20. go to glastonbury
  21. go to oxegen
  22. drive a tractor
  23. pass my car driving test
  24. Visit St. Paul's cathedral, Rome
  25. visit the vatican
  26. return to aix-en-provence
  27. reach my ugw
  28. eat a meal without being scared
  29. genuinely make someone happy
  30. use a cheesy chat up line
it may not seem that ambitious! but it's my hopes and dreams :P

Sunday, 23 October 2011

appreciation for my followers.

i've just hit 40 followers. :)

i've always thought my life pretty boring and unimportant. i'm the girl that has always wanted to blend into the background but somehow i can't manage that. i'm the sort of person who my friends think is this over confident, loud bubbly girl who is happy with the way she is. people that have been in my class for 6 years and wudn't be that close with me describe me as having 'fake confidence'. i pretend that i'm confident when really my insecurities are suffocating me.

this made me realise that most of the time, it's strangers who know the most about you. who can figure you out. i don't mean to sound rude, but in my eyes, my followers are strangers: i've never met any of you, and i only know so much about yous. but yous know stuff about me that i wouldn't that my friends don't know.

i'm not really sure what the purpose of this blog is. . just a thank you really. . i feel like my blog needs some changes made to it, so if you've any ideas of what you would like to see in it, comment please :)


Monday, 17 October 2011

Life changes every minute of every day. You lose friends & you gain  friends. You realize your friend wasn't ever really your friend &  that person you used to hate can make a really good friend. You look for  love. You find love & lose love. You realize all along that you've  been loved. You laugh, you cry. You laugh so hard that you cry. You do  this , you do that , you really wish you hadn't done that. You then  learn from that , & are glad that you did. You have your ups &  downs. You see good movies , you see bad movies. You wonder if your life  is just one big movie. You look at others & wish you were them. You  then realize who they are & are glad that your you. You love life ,  you HATE life. In the end , you just find yourself happy to be living  life , no matter what's thrown at you.

you're gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul

my laptop broke. i'm raging. a year and a halfs worth of thinspo gone. four years worth of pictures, videos, memories. gone. 5000 + songs. gone. plus i'm fatter than ever before.

Monday, 10 October 2011

well there's a million other girls who do it just like you

saturday night, N & C came to mine for  a few drinks. we got drunk and N decided she wantedd to go to her boyfriends 'cause he was having a house party. i thought fair enough. but C started to get worried and she got annoyed too. . i thought this was strange . . so we went to A's boyfriends house and at about 1 am., they went upstairs to have a 'heart to heart'. pretty soon everyone left but N wouldn't come downstairs because they were doing stuff. . according to C this happens all the time. i got really annoyed because who goes upstairs and messes around with their boyfriend when two of her best friendds is sitting downstairs? C passed out and i was sitting drunk and fucked off. So evenntually i woke C up and told her i was leaving and she was coming with me. so we left. N wasn't too happy and ended up staying at her boyfriends house. . So me and C ended up walking home at 3.30 am in the rain along a busy motor way drunk. and when i got in home J phoned me asking where i was (I had texted her telling her i was walking home) and i said juss got in home. she shouted at me through the phone for not phoning her to get us. i didn't want to wake her so i was being nice. next morning N new i was pissed off. . she couldn't even come into my house to wait on C getting changed. . she's really annoying me. . and it turns out everything that i told her about what was going on between me and my mum (pretty much everything wrote up here) she told her boyfriend! he has no need to know! i told her that in confidence! ugh can't stand people like that. she was meant to be one of my best friends -_-

Wednesday, 5 October 2011

if i should die before i wake, the least that i could ever say, i made mistakes but held on to my faith

i'm doing a first aid course tomoro. everyone says they don't kno why i'm doin it because if they're ever in bother then they don't want me to help them because i'm a bit ditsy. truth is, if i had of known cpr when my granny was dying, i could have saved her.

Monday, 3 October 2011

i walk this empty street on the boulevard of broken dreams

ok. i lied. nothings right between me and my mum. i feel like i owe you all i longer post than i left you before. so it's been a while and i'm going to introduce myself to you all again...

as you all know i suffer from some sort of eating disorder. i'm not quite ana. i'm not quite mia. i go days at a time eating very little, which is followed by days at a time eating constantly. i feel guilty just thinking about food. food will be my destruction. my mother decides to force it upon herself to make sure i eat. i haven't eaten breakfast in years. she makes me a lunch for school everyday (rather, she makes me prepare it). then if i dont eat it, she makes me feel guilty. . if i do eat it, this subconscious thought makes me feel guilty. i just wish she wouldn't buy me food. then she makes me cook the dinner and then watches me eat it. . i know that cooking a dinner is a normal thing to do, but for me it feels like a form of abuse. she calls me fat everyday. . 'that fat bastard' is her favourite phrase. she doesn't fail to remind me of how much of a failure i am, after getting CCD in my AS exams. . all my friends say i didn't fail, but if my mum says i failed then i failed. the past few weeks, my confidence has fallen so much to the point that i feel i can't even walk to the bus stop without messing that up. people have told me that they think my mother has some underlaying problems (as did Kim, in a comment on one of my posts). and it's true she does. my granny died four years ago as a result of being mugged in menorca on a family holiday. i was there with my mum and brother. it shook my world. made everything collapse. made me feel like i'd never be happy again. my best friend at the time said i didn't loose my granny, i'd actually lost my mum, cause that's what my granny was like to me. a mum. she was my world and i'd give anything to give her a hug right now. for a while after my granny's death everything seemed to reeturn to normal. i finally realised that i could be happy again, tho things wouldn't ever be the same again, i could adjust them to fit my life the way it had changed to. four years later my mum decides that she never had a chance to grieve. that she's angry. which i completely understand. the only thing is that she's taking her anger out on me. i know that i'll never be the person that my mum wants me to be. but i'm going to prove her wrong. i'm not going to be stuck this fat ugly failure for the rest of my life. i'm going to make something of my self. i understand that inorder to do this i'll have to work. . but at the moment all i'm allowed to do is school work. i'm not allowedd out. i'm not allowed my phone. i'm not allowed my ipod or my laptop. all i'm permitted to do is school work. it's got to the stage that i know this is unhealthy and i need to be allowed to leave my house. i'm going crazy. i really am. well not that i've been normal before. .

ABC tomorow. . i will do this. . i've let enough people down in my life, i promise that i'll not let you's down either!

guess who's back!

i'm back my lovelies! my last few posts have been pretty morbid. i admit that. someone said on a comment on my last blog that my mum must have underlayin issues, yes she does actually! but we've managed to sort of sort things out.

i passed my theory test! finally! no amount of words can describe the euphoria that i felt when i seen i had passed!

don't really have much to say to be honest. .

plan is to post everyday in october! at least once a day.
ABC starts tomorow