ok. i lied. nothings right between me and my mum. i feel like i owe you all i longer post than i left you before. so it's been a while and i'm going to introduce myself to you all again...
as you all know i suffer from some sort of eating disorder. i'm not quite ana. i'm not quite mia. i go days at a time eating very little, which is followed by days at a time eating constantly. i feel guilty just thinking about food. food will be my destruction. my mother decides to force it upon herself to make sure i eat. i haven't eaten breakfast in years. she makes me a lunch for school everyday (rather, she makes me prepare it). then if i dont eat it, she makes me feel guilty. . if i do eat it, this subconscious thought makes me feel guilty. i just wish she wouldn't buy me food. then she makes me cook the dinner and then watches me eat it. . i know that cooking a dinner is a normal thing to do, but for me it feels like a form of abuse. she calls me fat everyday. . 'that fat bastard' is her favourite phrase. she doesn't fail to remind me of how much of a failure i am, after getting CCD in my AS exams. . all my friends say i didn't fail, but if my mum says i failed then i failed. the past few weeks, my confidence has fallen so much to the point that i feel i can't even walk to the bus stop without messing that up. people have told me that they think my mother has some underlaying problems (as did Kim, in a comment on one of my posts). and it's true she does. my granny died four years ago as a result of being mugged in menorca on a family holiday. i was there with my mum and brother. it shook my world. made everything collapse. made me feel like i'd never be happy again. my best friend at the time said i didn't loose my granny, i'd actually lost my mum, cause that's what my granny was like to me. a mum. she was my world and i'd give anything to give her a hug right now. for a while after my granny's death everything seemed to reeturn to normal. i finally realised that i could be happy again, tho things wouldn't ever be the same again, i could adjust them to fit my life the way it had changed to. four years later my mum decides that she never had a chance to grieve. that she's angry. which i completely understand. the only thing is that she's taking her anger out on me. i know that i'll never be the person that my mum wants me to be. but i'm going to prove her wrong. i'm not going to be stuck this fat ugly failure for the rest of my life. i'm going to make something of my self. i understand that inorder to do this i'll have to work. . but at the moment all i'm allowed to do is school work. i'm not allowedd out. i'm not allowed my phone. i'm not allowed my ipod or my laptop. all i'm permitted to do is school work. it's got to the stage that i know this is unhealthy and i need to be allowed to leave my house. i'm going crazy. i really am. well not that i've been normal before. .
ABC tomorow. . i will do this. . i've let enough people down in my life, i promise that i'll not let you's down either!
