happy 100th post!

ironic because i'm not acc happy atm.

i can't remember the last time i was happy. . andd juss when i think things are starting to get back on track BAM something happens. . monday morning until this evening i was at my dads, like 2hrs away from where i live, i was so glad to be gettin a few days a way with no drama. . i came home and now B and S aren't speaking to me because N invited me to her hosue and didn't mention it to them. . i don't understand what i did wrong? like B and N have issues with each other so i can understand why N never said to ehr. . i'm to fed up with immature bullshit like this! i've got more important things to worry about!

secondly, me and my dad fell out a few months ago. . now we're speaking again. . he announced to me on wednesday that his girlfriend is 13 weeks pregnant. . at a time when i feel like everyone is replacing me, this really wasn't something i wanted to hear. . dont get me wrong. . i'm sososososo  happy for them! my dad's girlfriend (would it be appropriate to call her my step mum? prolly!) told her mum and dad on wednesday and they were so happy they started crying! but the only thing i cud think was i hope my dad doesnt treat this baby the way he treat me and my brother. . i hope he doesnt treat my step mum the way he treated my mum. . then i started thinking and something started telling me the only reason they were having a baby was to replace me. . and i've been getting sososo paranoid now. . i kno this is stupid . . but being replaced and forgotten is my biggest fear and thats what it feels like everyone's doing atm!

thirdly, everytime i get sad i think about my granny. . its so hard not too. . i dont even kno why! i really wish i cud only associate my granny with happy things but i keep thinking of her when im sad to. . well on the way home my dad decided to stop in at his parents house. . but i had to phone my granny to tell her we'd be there shortly. . and she juss went 'ok bye' and hung up. . that was the only words she spoke to me! i was so annoyed. . and i got thinking about the difference between my two granny's. . and for a split second. . i began to think that God took the wrong granny that. . that's such a horrible thought and i'm acc so ashamed for thinkng it!

i was also talking to my old best friend, D. . and she said, you've always been the strongest person i've known. . i'm so proud to call you my friend. .

i didn't have the heart to tell her i'm crumbling