heart vacancy - the wanted

i hear your heart cry for love, but you won’t let me make it right. you were hurt, but i decided, that you were worth the fight. every night, you lock up, you won’t let me come inside. but the look in your eyes, as i can turn the tide. in your heart, in your heart, in your heart, i can tell you can fit one more. in your heart, in your heart, in your heart, i don’t care who was there before. i hear your heart call for love, then you act like there’s no room. room for me, or anyone, “don’t disturb” is all i see. close the door, turn the key, on everything that we could be. if loneliness would move out, i’d fill the vacancy. in your heart, in your heart, in your heart, in your heart, in your heart, in your heart.

this ain’t the Heartbreak Hotel, even though i know it well. those no shows, they sure tell, in the way you hold yourself. don’t you fret, should you get, another cancellation. give me a chance i’d make a, permanent reservation. in your heart, in your heart, in your heart, i can tell you can fit one more. open up make a brand  new start, i don’t care who’s stayed before. i hear your heart call for love, then you act like there’s no room. room for me, or anyone, “don’t disturb” is all i see. close the door, turn the key, on everything that we could be. if loneliness would move out, i’d fill the vacancy. in your heart, in your heart, in your heart, in your heart, in your heart, in your heart.

When I, talk to you, on the phone, listen close. i hear your heart call for love, when you act like there’s no room. room for me, or anyone, “don’t disturb” is all i see. close the door, turn the key, on everything that we could be. if loneliness would move out, i’d fill the vacancy. in your heart, in your heart, in your heart, in your heart, in your heart, in your heart. 

i act like shit don't phase me, inside it drives me crazy, my insecurities could eat me alive.

when i was six years old i came home from school crying one day because someone wrote a three letter word on my school bag. i'm sure that all of my readers can guess what that three letter word was. it caused me, what my mum said was 'a great emotional turmoil' and i spent days refusing to go to school. 


funny thing is, i dont remember any of this. i only found out about it when my mum and her friend were talking about bullying that happens in my primary school. my mum knows who it was but she won't tell me who. she said i dont need to be reminded of things that i forget. but the thing is, those people who called me fat and slabbered about me for being ginger. for wearing glasses. for being fat. for being ugly. they're the people who have shaped who i am today. my ginger hair is now a brown colour and i regret dying my hair so much. i can't see very well without my glasses and i know that unless i start wearing them, my sight will deteriorate. i know i'm fat. i'm actually huge, and sometimes i can't help but think if i hadn't of felt the need to comfort eat as a child would i be this fat? and i know i shouldn't but i cover my face in make up. even when i go to the gym i have a full face of make up on. it's such a joke. 


every day my insecurities are getting worse. its as if every time i get more insecure a small brown dot covers me, i'm almost coloured in brown. my whole life i've been insecure. but i have a question and i want to know your view on this:
do you think that what happens to us as a child can determine what we'll be like when we're older. even if we can't remember?

seems like pain has been my only friend

for as far back as i can remember, we've never had an official 'snow day' as such. but last monday, there was so much snow that my insignificant country couldn't handle it and went into lockdown. i ended up getting stranded in the town where my school is so i had to stay at my friends and get a lift to my town in the morning. and my school was shut until thursday morning. by friday, all the snow was gone. one week later, i woke up with a slippy as fuck ground covered in a dusting of snow, with cm's of snow falling by the minute. i got a bus to my town's bus station and as soon as i got there i was told to go home and that my school was shut. another snow day for me! but even though the walk from the bus station to my house shoulda took 20 minutes, i still hadn't reached home an hour later -_- i hate that im so ungraceful and that i had to walk so carefully so i didn't fall. then last night, i went sledging. and built a massive snowman :) i felt my childhood come rushing back to when i was carefree and for a  moment, i hated the way i'd become. but this morning,  i woke up: pounding headache, nausea, sore throat, earache and not to mention a stuffy nose. so i managed to fast for the whole day. :) 

i've decided. i'm going to start the ABC diet on 1st January 2011. because with over the christmas period, i know that i'll somehow ruin it. 

-ex

The Climb - Miley Cyrus

i can almost see it, that dream i'm dreaming. but there's a voice inside my head saying, "you'll never reach it". every step i'm taking, every move i make feels lost with no direction. my faith is shaking. but i gotta keep trying. gotta keep my head held high. there's always gonna be another mountain, i'm always gonna wanna make it move. always gonna be a uphill battle, sometimes i'm gonna have to lose. ain't about how fast i get there, ain't about what's waiting on the other side. it's the climb.

the struggles i'm facing, the chances i'm taking sometimes might knock me down but no, i'm not breaking. i may not know it, but these are the moments that i'm gonna remember most, yeah. just gotta keep going. and i got to be strong, just keep pushing on. 'cause there's always gonna be another mountain, i'm always gonna wanna make it move. always gonna be a uphill battle, sometimes i'm gonna have to lose. ain't about how fast i get there. ain't about what's waiting on the other side. it's the climb.
 

there's always gonna be another mountain, i'm always gonna wanna make it move. always gonna be an uphill battle. somebody's gonna have to lose. ain't about how fast i get there. ain't about what's waiting on the other side. it's the climb. 

keep on moving, keep climbing, keep the faith. it's all about, it's all about the climb. keep the faith, keep your faith, 

nothing i say can change anything

Two more new followers. :)

ashley: you had previously followed one of my blogs, and i followed you. but i went through a really low point and didn't blog or anything and once i snapped out of it, i deleted my blog and decided to start a new one afresh andd i deleted my blog and everyone i followed. but i couldn't remember which blog was yours but i'm so glad you found this because i can continue reading yours. :) btw, i've no idea how to reply to comments.

'you've changed.'

obvz.

'what are you talking about'

'you're quieter now. you're always cold.' 'she always complains she's got headaches too' 'She gets angry a lot of the time to. everything about her revolves around anger and emotions.' 'she never used to be like that.'

anger? emotions? wrong. food.

'you do realise i'm still sitting here?'

'yea i know.' 'we're just worried about you.'

'there's nothing to be worried about.' uneasy laugh. fake smile. 'i'm fine. 100% fine.'

'are you sure?' 'you're not fine'

hearts beating rapidly in my chest. what are they getting at?

'are you doing drugs or something?'

LOL. if only it were that simple.

'no...'

'it's just we never see you anymore and you've started hangin round with dodgy ones.' 

'wise up..'

'why aren't you eating anything?'

'Can't be bothered. i'm too tired to eat anything. and besides i have no money.'

'i own a chipshop. ill give you what ever you want.'

urmmm. FMLFMLFML

'eat.'

that was a conversation i had with two of my friends today at lunch. the whole time, my heart was in my mouth. they practically force fed me. i could have died. i haven't ate that much in ages. my stomach felt like it was about to rip open. when i got home after school i cried. about an hour later, i was still curled up on the sofa crying. i walked to the kitchen and opened the cupboard. i reached for the biscuit tin. biscuit after biscuit i munched until i was halfway through the packet when i reached for the nutella jar. i flung the drawer open and grabbed a spoon. then i realised what i was doing and i cried more. 

i hate that my friends care about me. i dont deserve them. argghh.

-xe

fly like a G6

 i got my first follower today. :) belle_of_the_boulevard check out her blog

 i also started my blog today. it put a smile on my face to see that someone had took the time to read the whole three posts i have (i promise i really won't be spamming. i'm just trying to make it a bit interesting), but it's really given me a sense of motivation.

it's 18:45 on a sunday evening. and i'm laying in bed with a pair of sweats and a hoody. im so cold and it feels like someone is stabbing my stomach from the inside out. all my friends are out with their boyfriends (it's actually pure shit bein the only single person in the group) and i have school work i should be doing, i just can't find the strength.

tomorrow, i'm starting the ABC diet. im excited i've also came up with a few other rules for myself:

• 60 situps in the morning as soon as i wake up
• no eating before 12:30
• no eating after 19:00
• 60 sit ups before bed
• 1hr on cross trainer

Maroon 5 - She will be loved

beauty queen of only eighteen, she had some trouble with herself. he was always there to help her, she always belonged to someone else. i drove for miles and miles and wound up at your door. i’ve had you so many times but somehow i want more. i don’t mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain. look for she girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay awhile. and she will be loved. she will be loved.

tap on my window knock on my door, i want to make you feel beautiful. i know i tend to get insecure, it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s not always rainbows and butterflies: it’s compromise that moves us along. my heart is full and my door’s always open, you can come anytime you want. i don’t mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain. look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay awhile and she will be loved. she will be loved.

I know where you hide alone in your car. know all of the things that make you who you are. i know that goodbye means nothing at all. comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls. tap on my window knock on my door i want to make you feel beautiful. i don't mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain. look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay awhile. and she will be loved.  and she will be loved. and she will be loved. she will be loved.

look at the stars, look how they shine for you.

in my first post, i wrote about who i was. but i never told you who ana was.

around a year ago i had a dream. i was standing in a field with bright green grass full of daisies. i started walking, looking for a way to leave the field when i seen a tree. i decided to sit under the tree and just watched the few stratus clouds that passed by gently. in the distance, i seen a girl walking towards me. she was absolutely beautiful. she had long blonde hair, blue eyes and she was the skinniest girl i've ever met, her thighs didn't meet and she basically looked like an angel. i felt a pang of jealousy, i felt like i wasn't good enough to be in her presence. and when she started talking to me, i didn't feel like i was good enough to talk to her either. but then she startedd getting angry at me. she said i disappointed her and that i had potential.

i woke up the next morning. i looked in the mirror. i grabbed on to my fat and began pulling at it, as if it would somehow disappear the harder i tugged at it.
and bam...

 then as time passed, i fell out with my best friend. i began telling myself we fell out because i was fat and if i was skinny we would still be friends. i went through a really bad time. hardly eating. eventually my mum began noticing so i forced my self to eat during the day and i cried my self to sleep at night. every friday morning i had PE in school. i was too embarresed to get changed infront of everyone so i told my mum i felt sick. she didn't believe me so i made myself sick. then i realised, if i eat normally and then purge no one will notice. 


a few weeks ago i went to the dentist. turns out all that purging made my teeth all disgusting. i had ten cavaties. the acid from my stomach damaged my teeth. i thought that it was only a myth. 


Purging ruins your teeth. myth FACT  
so now, i'm more determined than ever to reach my goals so that ruining my teeth won't have been in vain.

-xe

i'm erin. i'm 16 and i live in a quite big, costal town in northern ireland. i have a family, that mean the world to me. i care about them so deeply, it's unreal. i'd virtually do anything for them. the same goes for my friends. i used to be worried about not having a vast number of friends. but after an incident with my former best friend, i realised that the saying 'it's quality, not quantity.' is so incredibly true it's unreal. although my amount of friends is limited, infact i could count how many true friends i have on one hand. i wouldn't trade them for all the money in the world. i'm single. well why wouldn't i be. i'm absolutely grotesque. people look at me and want to throw up. how would they be able to go out with me? i don't know if i believe in love. i don't know anything about it. i'm still young and i have years to make up my mind. my natural hair colour is a deep ginger, but it's ginger none the less (well, i am irish!) but i dye it a dark chocolatey/caramely brown. in the summer, i have hideous freckles. my eyes are increddibly weird; they're blue, but surrounding my pupil, is a yellow bit. i'm absolutely intrigued by the french language. i love it alot. when i'm older, i want to be either a french teacher or a cardiologist. i have a mouth like a sailor and i couldn't really give a shit if that offends you.

i'm erin. and that was more or less, me in a nutshel.
-xe