My life has been pretty hectic recently. Although not to a far out extent. But still, hectic nonetheless. I've been to stay with my dad for a bit and I've started my first job at a winebar. . . I'm a waitress. . .

I promise I'll post soon. I know I keep saying this. . But I have so much school work to do too. It's never ending! I'm in so much pain at the moment it's unreal. . I hurt even to move in bed. My feet are aching, and I have hunger pains that are so sore they don't feel real. .

Ugh, maybe tomorrow my lovelies. -xe

. . .

i've devised a route i'm going to walk everyday (or almost everyday) i've checked the distance and estimated length on google maps.

distance: 5.3 miles
time: 1hr 46 mins.

i'm excited for tomorrow!

where did i go wrong? i lost a friend.

the past week, i've been off school for easter break (spring break for my American followers). I've stayed in and studied for my AS in June. i need to do good. i need to prove people wrong, that i am smarter than they think! but with being at home basically alone while wee ugs (nickname for my brother) has been at school and my mum has been at work, i've alos thought alot.

i've realised. there are only six people that i can trust. my mum, B, N, C, CC and S. these five girls, are the ones that i can rely on. i've only really been close to them all since september. but i can count on them a hell of a lot more than the people i've been best friends with my whole life! i'd love to say i can trust mmore people. but i feel greatful that i have these six. as i know most people don't have anything!

i wish i could stop thinking, just turn off my brain you know? sucks.

also, i'm going to stay with my dad tomorrow until next tuesday. urgh. can't be assed. 

-xe♥

Cassie,

I didn't eat for three days so I could be lovely.

butterfly fly away ♥

when my granny died almost four years ago, there was a butterfly flying around our hotel complex. at her funeral, there was a butterfly flying in the chapel. at times when i've felt discomfort and sadness, i've seen a butterfly. at times when i've felt happiness and joy, i've seen a butterfly. i honestly believe that my granny reincarnated as a butterfly. just this thought alone gives me so much comfort!

when my granny died, i ran for help. and everyday, i blame myself. i didn't run fast enough. i couldn't. that's when all my problems mentally started with my weight. 'if i was skinnier, i could have ran faster. i could have got help faster. she wouldn't have died.'

yesterday morning. i woke up. there was a butterfly in my kitchen. it was the most beautiful thing ever. i have no idea if there's any relevance in the creature i now see as a sign of my granny being present in my kitchen, where all our food is. doubt ill ever know because the butterfly started to died. it just fell onto the windowsill and i tried to move it and it began to curl up. so i scooped it onto a page to put it out the window. it got squished. defiinately dead.

in my head, it feels like i've been the cause of my granny's death twice now. that's really fucked me up. so writing this, my body's doing a completely different thing from what my head's screaming at it. 'DONT EAT.' 'PUT THAT ICECREAM DOWN FATTY.' but i can't stop.

im sorry my lovelies. its nearly one o'clock in the afternoon. and i've managed to consume so much food! i feel like i've let you all down. like i've let ana down. like i've let my self down.

-xe♥

the truth is all that i can hear, everytime you lie

i haven't posted in twelve days. sorry my dearss! alot has happened. i had a french exchange girl staying with me for a week. i wanted to punch myself in the face. she showered once the whole week. but the only good thing was she expected me to pay for her food, so then i couldnt afford any for me :D

up until yesterday, i was still gettin messages from the creepy cousin. on saturday i started argueing with him (i was drunk so it'snot my fault!) about how he's tryin to fuck with my head and how he's not happy unless he's doing that and that he should just leave me alone. obvz, he wasn't happy with that and i got a message saying 'suck me off or i'll tell everyone we had sex.' being drunk i freaked. the only reason i didnt do anything with him was cause we're related.. it freaked me out.. but i got it sorted and we decided we'd be friends.. but then we were just talkin yesterday and he started tellin me about how he had sex with his ex. i was like. why are you telling me this? i reallly dont care! and then i caught on, he's still just trying to use me for sex! like even though he knows we're related.. he still can't help himself. it makes me feel cheap, you know? and maybe like he's taking the pisss outta me, cause im so fat. :/
me: gone do me a favour?
m: what?
me: delete my number?
m: aww :( why?
me: cause you're only lookin for a dirty bit from me..
m: nahh im not
me: well it looks that way..
m: sorry well. :(
me: don't be sayin sorry. but if thats all youre lookin, then you might asweell delete it. :/
m: right.
me: guesss i wont be hearing from you for a while..
no reply

i just hate the fact that he thinks he can use people. with out caring. like i wouldn't even mind being friends with him.. but i guess he doesn't see the point in anything.

it was my birthday on wednesday. :D 17 at last! i had my first driving lesson then too! ah it was scary shit. i can't be bothered going into it. but i think i'll be hittin the roads sooon. :)

food wise. i've lost 5 lb since my last post. i hate food. i hate exercise. i hate my body. i wish i could have one wish.

i'm that star up in the sky, i'm that mountain peak up high, hey i made it, i'm the worlds greatest.

Dr Lav. you were my favourite teacher ever. you're the one who persuaded me to do double award science for GCSE and taught me the foundations to chemistry and physics. even after i left your class, you still called me into your classroom for a chat whenever i walked past. just to see how i was getting on with my GCSE subjects, telling me if i needed any help with my science coursework that you'd help me no problem. then on the results day you said 'i wouldn't expect anything less from you erin!'

then when you weren't back this year, everyone was wondering 'where is he?' we were told that he'd gone to write a new text book and he'd be back next year. then three weeks ago. Dr Bob announced we had to pray for you, that you were sick. so we asked our form teacher 'stomach cancer'. she said. we were crushed. 'hell pull through - it's Dr Lav!' then today i saw it on facebook. R.I.P Dr Lav. i was standing in the middle of New Look, my eyes welled up with tears andd i tried my hardest not to cry.

it's hard to believe that such a bad thing could happen to sucha lovely man. Dr Lav, you made me realise everyone is capable of being good and even if someone has killed 3783753 people, they still can have a heart of gold. you were such an inspiration and i really appreciate all that you did for me. the only comfort that we can get is that you're not suffering anymore. sleep well Lavsterr.

this love has taken its toll on me.

i have two really important things to talk about (well they may seem insignificant to you, but to me, they're everything. one is more fundamental than the other obvzz.) but i'm gonna write them over two blogs, because i feel the second has too much significance for me than the first.

well i wrote in my blog a few posts ago that i was texting a boy and found out he was my third cousin and stuff. well,, i think i need to expand on it a little..

well, my friend told me to text this boy A the day after st paddys. so i did. but then a couple days later, i some how was managing to text his younger brother M. we talked for a bit, and i thougth, hmmm. he's nice.. but yea we said we'd meet sometime. but he was actualy so nice. i opened up to him and when he asked me what my favourite foodd was i told him everything. and for the first time, he made me feel good about my self. then i found out he's my third cousin. he said it doesn't make a difference and that he still likes me. but i liked him too. and it just didnt feel right. but he's still been textin away at me. and i dunno what to do! like i like him but i cant go there. :/ he just makes me feel ok with my self and everything but ughh..

i just needed to vent all this out. because i can't say to my friends cause they'd think it weird.  any ideas what to do?