butterfly fly away ♥

when my granny died almost four years ago, there was a butterfly flying around our hotel complex. at her funeral, there was a butterfly flying in the chapel. at times when i've felt discomfort and sadness, i've seen a butterfly. at times when i've felt happiness and joy, i've seen a butterfly. i honestly believe that my granny reincarnated as a butterfly. just this thought alone gives me so much comfort!

when my granny died, i ran for help. and everyday, i blame myself. i didn't run fast enough. i couldn't. that's when all my problems mentally started with my weight. 'if i was skinnier, i could have ran faster. i could have got help faster. she wouldn't have died.'

yesterday morning. i woke up. there was a butterfly in my kitchen. it was the most beautiful thing ever. i have no idea if there's any relevance in the creature i now see as a sign of my granny being present in my kitchen, where all our food is. doubt ill ever know because the butterfly started to died. it just fell onto the windowsill and i tried to move it and it began to curl up. so i scooped it onto a page to put it out the window. it got squished. defiinately dead.

in my head, it feels like i've been the cause of my granny's death twice now. that's really fucked me up. so writing this, my body's doing a completely different thing from what my head's screaming at it. 'DONT EAT.' 'PUT THAT ICECREAM DOWN FATTY.' but i can't stop.

im sorry my lovelies. its nearly one o'clock in the afternoon. and i've managed to consume so much food! i feel like i've let you all down. like i've let ana down. like i've let my self down.

-xe♥