i wish i was special. you're so fucking special

my mum thinks i've got an inferiority complex. she says the way i go on makes her think that i feel im not good enough. how right is she?

anyway, life is so boring at the moment. i'm looking forward to this week, i'll be out of the house most of the week adn won't have time to eat.. though, S, thinks we should have a day watching dvds. . . and eating food. . i've never had to attemtp t get out ofa  situation like this before. . :/

haaapppyyy :)

i can finally say that my life's starting to look up. . me and ana have learnt how to co-habitat inside my head. . for the time being. . M, the guy i'd started to fall for, is just there for me to amuse myself with when i'm bored, i dont care if it makes me sound like a bitch i just don't see myself ever being with him and he just wont stop texting me, i can't be rude and not reply. :P i've sorted everything out with most of my friends, apart from R (that's a long story).

on thursday, i'm getting a tattoo. a butterfly on my wrist, with granny below it. i cant wait, tho i'm scared it'll hurt. so, some tattoo thinspo for yous!

fuck you

is it sick that the only reason i want you is so i can get you to fall for me so i can hurt you, just like youve done to me?

m, about an hour ago, i'd of kissed the ground you walked on. now, i want to rip your balls off and force you to eat them. you're a player and a sleaze and you got me to fall for you. then, once you knew i'd fallen for you, you start telling me about a slut that you're going to have sex with. then you text me saying it didn't work and asked me why i think it didnt. way to crush me. but you're an arsehole. but i will crush you like you've crushed me. 

i don't care how many people i've to fuck. i don't care if i get a reputation. i'll hurt you as bad as you've hurt me.

lavv you petal. ;)

day two - a letter to your crush

dear m,
i don't know why i like you. we've been textin flat out since march. . tbh, you're quite boring. . all you do is watch tv, play xbox and fuck. all you talk about is sex and tbh i think i'm different from all the other girls you've had before. . they're all into this wild sex, while i've never had sex. you're not good looking bt theres something about the way you look that attracts me to you. but despite this, you know how to cheer me up and you say the sweetest of things. you dont know about my ana, but i think you have yourr suspicions. my friends dont agree with you. . its obvious why tho. . you're a player. . you've kinda messed me around and i keep falling for it. . i can be so silly sometimes.

♥

day one - a letter to your best friend

dear b,
we only started getting proper close this year. you're an actual star, you've been there with me through everything this year. when there was that really bad snow in december, i and i got stranded, you took me in. when my mumma got took into hospital you took me in. you were the only person who gave me somewhere to stay even when my family wouldn't. i've had so many good times with you;
- nights out, with the girls and guys
- nights out in your car
- you trying to teach me to drive
- that night we spent trying to hide from C while we were drunk,  and then getting caught and me having to get my mumma to lie.
- that night we went to the beach party and we took 2.5 hours to walk a 20 minute walk, then when we walked home that boy was playing the guitar behind us.
- me trying to teach your re and we ended up watching jeremy kyle and going out a drive.
-yourr the reason that M has been texting me since march, could punch you for that, but its provided us with a few gigles. :P

B, i honestly don't know what i'd do without you. you're  sucha star and i lovee you to bits. :) you know that my biggest fear is that we'll drift apart form each other when i go to uni next year, but i love how you reasurre me that can never happen :)

♥

i'm so sorry for all that i've done. i'm so sorry for what i've become.

admitedly, i've changed so much in the past few months. and i appologise for my lack of blog posts. i've been busy and i'm sorry! but i'm back and i promise to post as often as i can!

everyone hates me for changing.. i can tell.. i dye my hair, i'm continuously covered inn fake tan, i've just ordered a head of hair extensions, i'm never without my false eyelashes. i'm fake. and i know why. i can't handle people knowing who i am. so somehow, in my head it makes sense that if i cover what i really look like, people won't know that i'm damaged goods, that i'm broken into a million pieces, that ana has taken over my life. . i look at my friends and im filled with jealousy. they're happy. genuinely happy. that's the one thing i want from life. to be happy. i dont care if i end up living in a council house, just scraping by. i'd rather be like that than living the life of the rich and famous and miserable. as long as i'm happy i'll be content.

i'm starting the abc diet tomorrow. . i'm excited to do it. :D

haven't posted in a while..

i haven't posted in a while. . so much has happened. . i can't remember what all i've told you lot, so i think i'll just recap all of July..

• i went to tenerife. it was awful. i really needed a holiday but i couldn't enjoy myself because all around me, there was these beautiful skinny girls wearing bikinis, and there was me, dressed in shorts and t-shirt because i didn't want any one looking at my fatness. i really wish i could of enjoyed myself tho. 

• i fell out with my best friend. well she was my best friend. but we drifted majorly because she only spent time with her boyfriend and didn't even acknowledge that we existed anymore. so i confronted her and i was like 'fuck it. if you only have time for your boyfriend, then go for it. doesn't effect me anymore, i've got other people to care about.'

• my mum got took into hospital on monday. when i was in tenerife, i caught the cold/flu/whatever, then i gave it to my mum. she's diabetic so she has a low immune system. . the flu/cold/whatever turned out to be somesort of virus we caught when we were away and it started attacking her red blood cells, lowering her blood count. on sunday night/monday morning my mum got rushed to a&e and ended up having to get a blood transfusion. . thankfully tho, she's out of hospital now and getting better. . this past weeks been hectic.

i go back to school in 45 days, (i know, i should be enjoying summer, but bleh, it can fuck itself), so in 45 days, i'l be closer to perfection. :) so i was planning to do the abc diet, but i dont have 50 days. so i'm going to work out my own plan. .