He that eats till he is sick must fast till he is well - English Proverb

in just under 7 weeks, i'll have finished lower sixth. don't get me wrong i have to come in to do my exams in june and my french oral in may.. but nonetheless, i'll have no classes after easter (unless you count stupid revision classes that i'll not even go to).

this made me realise. how scary it is that life is passing me by. i'm meant to embrace this and cherish every moment but how can i do that if the momeny passes before it even happens?

ughh. i guess i'm just scared of growing up.

one of my best friends is getting chucked out of tech (college) for not doing her coursework. she should be doing it but instead she gets drunk all the time, meets a whole pile of different guys and plays them off each other. her dad lost his job and she still expects her mum to pay her phone bills that cost £150 and fund her drinking and smoking. sure i understand the 'here for a good time, not a long time' thing. but i think you can share your time. like i work my arse off monday - friday and on a sunday. but i get up at 6 every morning to do an hour on my exercise bike. then i do another hour before bed. and in return, i do fun things on fridays or saturdays like clubbin and shit. the way i see it, ten years from now: do i want to be working in tescos or sit with a decent job that'll let me enjoy myself as well then? urghh. i dont know.

what i do know is. one day i'll have my perfect life. i'll be perfect. i'll have a perfect job.

three films

1. toy story 3
2. tim burtons alice in wonderland
3. my sister's keeper

four books

1. of mice and men - john steinbeck
2. the diary of a wimpy kid - jeff kinney (aha, immature i know)
3. harry potter and the deathly hallows - J.K. rowling
4. Skellig - david allmond

five foods

1. jelly beans
2. lettuce
3. millions
4. creme eggs
5. chicken nuggets

Manger ou ne pas manger? Voilà la question.

I have to write a presentation for my French oral and that's the title that I used. I had a choice of subjects to chose from for it. But I chose eating disorders. Simply because I felt that I'd be able to talk about it better than I could talk about things like gender roles in society or secularism.

on friday, i had to email my final draft to my french teacher. Up until now it's been my French oral assistant looking at it. She said my presentation was perfect. That it was one of the most interesting thing she's ever read. But that's not what my French teacher said in the reply i got. it made me angry. upset. when i read the comments she gave me.

'erin. it's quite evident that you really haven't a clue what you're talking about. honetsly. people don't get to the point where food controls their life.'
 yes. it does. food controls what mood im in. it determines if i have a good day or a bad day. i cant eat some thing without wantin to cry or physically hurt my self.

'have you actually heard some say that they have what is described as a voice in their head telling them that they're a horrible person if they eat something with more than 100 calories.'
i do. 

'rewrite this. and make sure you actually do research this time. none of this made up stuff.'
this isnt made up. it's real life. my life. 

get up on the floor and grab some one

i've been thinking alot about stereotypes recently and i've realiesd that it's become such a regular thing that i stereotype someone before i even hear them speak. it's made me wonder: what is wrong with me? it's not right to judge people like that. people would look at me and the fact i have an eating disorder wouldn't even come to their mind. i look as if i dont have one.

but yea. this was sparked by a drunken conversation me and my friend had a few weeks ago. about the different social groups in my year. although theres only 71 people theres a shit ton of cliques.

• the boys
• the stuck up bitches
• the i act like im gay so i can get laid.
• the christians
• the 'hipsters'
• the people who think they're bad ass but haven't drunk, smoked or touched drugs and are in bed sleeping for 11pm
• the normal people

i hate social groups. -_-
and prejudism -_-

six places

1. northern ireland - where i live
2. cala 'n' forcat, menorca - where my granny died
3. new york - where i wish i was born.
4. lourdes, france - where i surprisingly love. despite being really holy
5. aix-en-provence - where i've been on three school exchanges.
6. liverpool, england - where i'm going to go after i finish school

22nd february 2011

for the first time in my short, insignificant life, i have nothing to say. there's no thoughts in my head. my mind is as empty as the sahara at mid day. i'd love to write an inspirational blog. but truth is, i'm not inspiration.

maybe i'll post something worthwhile tomorrow. but meh. i dont know. does anyone even read my blog anymore? is it worthwhile posting tomorrow?

is anything worthwhile?
ughhh

day 5 - your dreams

dear dreams,
youre very fucked up atm. you made me think my best friend was a duck. though i do wish i could remember you. my RE teacher says that your dreams are your subconcious talking to you. i wish i could remember what you're all about just so i would know what's going on in my head.
that is all.


you're not a very long list. most teenagers have massive long lists of dreams and ambitions. mines is only short

• reach my weight goals
• do good in my Alevels
• get to uni
• finish uni
• get a good career
• find a husband
• have a family
• be happy.

its not really much to ask. here's to hoping the future is good to me, eh?

seven wants

1. to be skiny
2. to be loved
3. to stop hating myself
4. to find a boyfriend
5. to have my ginger hair back
6. to have straight teeth
7. to be happy

eight fears

1. being forgotten when i die.
2. never being loved
3. failing at life
4. losing everything that i've ever known
5. not being able to have children when im older
6. getting pregnant before i go to uni
7. the bathroom scale
8. food

all the crazy shit i did tonight, those will be the best memories.

last night was by far one of the most amazing nights ever. me, J and S all went to Bs house. we started drinking at like eight. walked to the chip shop that Bs parents own. sat there for ages talking drinking vodka out of polystyrene cups. walked about a bit. went back to Bs house at like midnight and drank some more. went down stairs and had a chat to her mum. i cooked them all a three course meal at four in the morning. went back up stairs and talked about the good old days and all our memories until seven am.

even though it was fun thinking about all the fun things in the past, it made me realise that nothing lasts for ever. and change is inevitable. i haven't seen one of my best friends since 24th june 2010. i miss her so much like it's unreal. i used to be able to sit and ahve a full blown conversation with her and now its like hi and thats the limit. i would actually love to have one day where i could go back into the past and cherish all the memories that i had. because i know that i took all the people in my past for granted. but i will let them know how much i appreciate them for helping me to be the person i am now.

-xe♥

nine loves

1. my granda
2. my mum
3. my friends
4. coffee
5. sprite zero
6. fake tan
7. make up
8. smiles
9. cute late night texts

ten secrets

1. i'm jealous of my friends
2. i blame myself for my granny's death
3. i've never told anyone how much i weigh and i never will.
4. i can't remember what happiness feels like
5. i have trust issues and i don't believe in love
6. i'm a catholic but i continually question my religion
7. my mum hates me. and my dad wants nothing to do with me
8. once i leave northern ireland to go to uni, i'm never ever coming back. 
9. i put on a mask everyday. no one's seen through it
10. i want to do something great with my life and i want it to end with a bang. so that people won't forget me.

how can you sleep while the rest of us cry?

i've attempted to write a blog for the past week. but i've made so many failed attempts. i can't seem to do anything right at the moment. i can't blog. i can't fast. i can't have a decent relationship with my family. i can't do school work. i can't even purge. how pathetic am i?

no matter where i go these days my eating disorder is staring me right in the face. re class. 

'asceticism is the practice of renouncing world pleasures ... it focuses on chastity, fasting and abstinence, in the belief that purifying the body helps to purify the soul.'

in all seriousness. it's like the celtic monks from the 4th and 5th century have focused everything around fasting. i know you's prolly dont want a history lesson of christianity in ireland, but its like these people fasted for reasons quite similiar to many ana's - for perfection.

in french, my oral presentation is all about eating disorders. i wrote down everything that was in my head in english and then i threw in a few facts and figures and then translated it to french. 

'your work is so interresting to read. and i can tell that you've done alot of research for this. you should be proud of this piece of work erin!'

that's not research. that's experience.

there's a girl who's began following my blog. and she added me a few days ago on bbm and last night we had a nice chat on bbm. it actually feels so good to be able to talk to someone about my eating disorder and know that i'll not be judged by the person i'm talking to. and she's lovely too! seriously go check out her blog justwant2bfree

i appologise for how this blog has been thrown together with all mismatched aspects. i just cannot be bothered thinking.

-xe♥

made a wrong turn, once or twice

this week has gone in so slowly. it's mostly been a bad week to be honest. but at the moment, i've gotten over the fact i had a massive binge the other day and i'm in a pretty good mood. my ears not as sore any more. and i'm going to spend this weekend with my girls. :) can't wait to be honest.

but the one day i'm dreadding is monday. while all my friendds are spending valentines day with their boyfriends, i'll be cleaning my garden. on my own. how fun does that sound? aha

any of you lovelies have a bb? if so. leave your bbm pins in a comment

-xe♥

last night when i went to bed, i had 8 followers. i just signed in and now i have 12!
thanks for the follows. :) i'm only posting a quick blog now then i'm going to check out your blogs!

i feel embarresed writing. like i'm not good enough. you'll all laugh at me. i'm not strong enough. i managed to fast up until 4:30 pm. when i came home from school. i was sitting in my living room watching last weeks glee. when all of a sudden, i felt this pang of anger. i walked out to my kitchen and opened the cupboard. 1 pack of crips. 2 packs of crisps. three. that wasn't enough. opened the biscuit tin. a penguin biscuit. a twix finger. a pack of mini hobnobs. still not enough. i opened another cupboard. a tin of beans.

a fucking horrible binge.

it's been months since i last purged after a binge. it's been months since i last had a binge like that. i ran up stairs and fell at the toilet. i put my two fingers down my throat. once. twice. three times. but i couldn't purge. i heaved. quite alot of times. after half an hour of trying to purge i gave up. it just wasnt happening. i sat on the floor with mmy back to the bathroomm door. my knees hunched up and my face tear stained, poking at the flab rolls on my stomach. all of this because of anger. i was angry before. now i'm fucking furious. with my self. with school. with friends. with life in general.

it's official. i've hit rock bottom. and there's no way for me to get up from here.

asdfghjkl

my imune system is such a slut. seriously. it gets with everything.

a couple weeks ago i got two insect bites on my neck and of course, i took a reaction to it and i 'looked like edward cullen bit me' well so my friend says. then last week i had a mysterious hospital appointment that scared me shitless. turns out i had to get my 3rd hpv injection. i took a serious reaction to the 2nd one. and i took a panic attack before i got the third. then today, i was at the doctors again. i've go an ear infection. well done immune system -_-

but being off today wasn't so bad. i spent the day with my granda :) he's suchan amazing person. i love him to bits. we talked about all our memories and looked through old pictures. and he asked me to make pancakes with him on pancake tuesday. i dont have  to eat them. then sommeone phoned my grandas house with their phone number on secrecy.

can i speak to the lady of the house?

urmm. who is this?

are you the lady of the house

no. there isn't one...

oh she found someone better then didnt she?

who the fuck did you say you were?

laughter.

my granda then goes 'who was that?' i was like 'urmmm...' and he goes it was them again. wasn't it? apparently phone calls like this have happenned at least three times before. not including the first phone call when he explained my granny died almost four times. i swear if i ever find out who it is. i'll kick their fuck in. sad sacks of shit.

ughhh. where my weights concerned - i'm still fat. i probably always will be. i'm getting up at 6 am to go on the excercise bike until 7.30 and then i'll walk to the bus stop, go to school, fast all day, walk home from school, hoope to fuck my report's in tomorrow so i can hide it from my mum, avoid dinnner, homework, excercise bike for an hour or so before bedd. tomorrow will be a fasting day.

-xe ♥

sunday 6th february 2011

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.  

 Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Last night one of my friends said something to me that kind got to me. i was on facebook and she asked me 'can i interview you for my english homework?' i was like sure.

what makes you so perfect?

i'm far from perfect

 i don't think i'm perfect.

what part of you do you think is perfect?

i'm not perfect! why would i think i'm perfect? i'm a fat mess.

 urm, the white bits of my eyes are really white and i'm an honest person - i speak my mind

who is your inspiration?

the olsen  twins

 am i allowed to be cheesy and say my mum? or does it have to be someone famous?

it can be anyone.

the olsen twins

 oh well my mum.

who do you aspire to be like?

someone happy. some one pretty. someone thin. someone graceful. someone who's not me

i don't aspire to be like anyone. i'm happy being me lies 

who do you think you're most like?

an elephant. a beached whale. 

i don't think there's anyone quite like me. but my doctor said i'm alot like my granny.

she took all the questions and wrote a newspaper sort of article. she made me sound like a self-induldged twat. i sound like i love myself. she took everything and twisted what i'd said and now i sound horrible. i didnt think the questions she'd ask me would be like that. she wrote them questions based on me. 

i don't think i'm perfect. i cry myself to sleep everynight thinking about my imperfections! 

-xe♥

jorney - don't stop believing

just a small town girl, living in a lonely world; she took the midnight train going anywhere. just a city boy,born and raised in south detroit; he took the midnight train going anywhere. a singer in a smoky room, a smell of wine and cheap perfume. for a smile they can share the night; it goes on and on and on and on. strangers, waiting, up and down the boulevard.their shadows searching in the night. streetlight people, living just to find emotion, hiding somewhere in the night. working hard to get my fill, everybody wants a thrill. paying anything to roll the dice just one more time. some will win, some will lose, some were born to sing the blues. oh the movie never ends, it goes on and on and on and on. don't stop believing, hold on to that feeling. streetlight people.

the future seemed so bright.

i've been having to look around, try and make some choices for the future alot recently. i need to pick a university and course that i want to do and i've a couple of months before i can begin applyin. so here's what i've been thinking and the number of ucas points/ grades i'll need;

• childhood & youth studies with psychology - 240 BBE
• abuse studies with psychology - 240 BBE
• geography with psychology - 260 BBD
• psychology with sociology - 280 BBC
• geography with french - 280 BCC
• French with education - 260 BBD
• human geography with french - 300 BBB
• law with french an a year in canada - 320 ABB

for a level im doing three subjects; geography, french and religious studies. and each grade (a-e) is awarded a
certain number of points;

• A* - 140
• A - 120
• B - 100
• C - 80
• D - 60
• E - 40

all this talk about going to uni has made me excited for the future. bring it 

how do you get up from an all time low?

i seem to fuck everything up. i eat way more than i should. i'm failing most of my classes and i only have three! my family hate me. ughh

i'm changing. right now. i'm going to try harder to stop being this horrible fat person. to pass my classes. and to make my family like me again.


fuckk. the things i'd give to be happy. i'm fucking misserable.

day 4 - your sibling

dear h.
i'm writing this in red because it's your favourite colour.
seriously. i know we fight all the time and we really don't get along, but you're one of the closest people to me. i know that theres people bullying you. and it hurts me just as much as it hurts you. but you're a strong boy :) you've been through everythinng that i've been through. you're the only one who truely knows my story without judgin me. and i can always trust that you'll never judge me just like i'll never judge you. i'll help fight for you. i'll protect you because you're my baby brother and thats what big sisters do. any slut that breaks your heart? i'll break her face. any douchebag trys to break your confidence and self esteem. i'll break their nose. i'm while protective of you but that's because i know behind your tough guy exterior, is this fragile little soul.

what ever you do kid, you'll make me proud.

♥

day 3 - your parents.

Dear mum
i actually love you a lot. i know we're not exactly a family that tells each other how much we appreciate each other. but i want to. because i'm scared i'll wake up one day and you'll be gone. you've been such an inspiration to me. like seriously, how many people go to work everyday and raise two really well single handedly, all while being blind. not many. for the past ten years, it's been you, me and h. we've had our ups and downs but we always  come out stronger. i don't know how you do it. it must be heart breaking to know that you'll never see me on my wedding day or you'll never get to see your first grandchild. but your my mummy and i'd do what ever it took to help you get your sight back. i know it's physically impossible. but i can always dream, right?

♥

Dear dad.
i hate you. you're for nothing. who seriously walks out on someone one month after they found out their eyesight was deteriorating really rapidly claiming they 'couldn't cope'? who leaves their family four days before christmas? who walks out on their six year old daughter and 7 month old son without turning back to say goodbye? is it bad that my earliest memory is of you telling me that you weren't my real dad? i was only seven and you told me my mum was a slut. that wasn't true and i hadn't a clue what that word meant. but it turns out. you were bullshitin. fuck you. you claim that you want me and h in your life. i don't need you. we've done amazing without you.